Over the past month or so due to some major detachment and some other serious shit going down I’ve realised that there’s more to life than online dating. I barely swipe anymore, and I have no enthusiasm talking to tinderfellas.
Why is this I hear you ask? I realised I’ve already found my soulmate (on a completely non romantic friendship level of course!) actually I have two ( shout out to you mrs Jones!) But I’m going to focus on one today.
Readers of this blog know who I’m talking about so there’s no need for names, you probably also know what’s happened between us over the years and I ll never be able to explain that part because our friendship is more than that.
He gets me 100%. He knows I’m a self destructive nightmare, that I feel as though I don’t deserve him so will constantly push him away and will give him a fuck ton of shit but he accepts that, he’s not a walk over though, he frequently puts me in my place and reigns me in he’s the only man who I allow to hand me my bollocks (after a lot of arguing!).
I’ve had intense friendships with the opposite sex before (I’ve even got the tattoos to prove it!) but this is different. It feels like I have to cherish it and never take it for granted.
I have to admit our friendship does affect relationships. There’s no telling some people that were just friends. I get asked frequently why we’re not together but it’s never been about that. Our friendship is way more important. Do I compare him to other guys? In all honesty, yes. It’s hard not to! I want someone who’s always there for me like he is, who doesn’t judge me, who accepts my crazy who wants to play ridiculous games and answer silly questions and looks out for me. I also want someone who I would take a bullet for because I know (and he knows!) I would for him. He literally means the world to me and it’s taken me long enough to realise I do to him. Also his hair and fashion sense on a tinderfella would be great but now I’m just being picky!
Recently sex and dating has become so empty and boring for me. I can’t stand one dimensional sex talk anymore. It’s not fun. But you know what? it’s not important! If I’m meant to fall in love this year that will happen, it’s ok not to get a million messages a day and get thumb burn from all the swiping and you know why? I’m happy and fulfilled with the people I’ve already got in my life, my soulmates.
So my beloved X is leaving me to go on holiday and I’m bereft. He has left me with one piece of advice ‘don’t get into mischief’…me?! Mischief?! Never!
I’m not sure what I’m going to do without him, he’s always the person who I go to when things go right/wrong. He’s been there for every tear, rage, smile and orgasm. He’s been there during a few orgasms as well… Meaning he’s made me cum not he was in a corner watching me….how creepy would that be?!
Aaaannnnyyyywwwwaaaayyyy…hegives really good advice and isn’t afraid to say I told you so. Which annoys me at the time but I need to hear it. Do I always listen? Of course not! Do I wish I had? Yes…most of the time.
I’ve never really had a friend like him. My best friends live far away and are married with children so it’s nice to have someone day to day to put me on the straight and narrow.
I think I ll give dating a break when X is gone. I’m a bit wild without him and if it all goes right/ wrong I ll have no one to hug! I’m only talking to one person so it should be easy.
I can’t actually believe I’m writing this right now…actually I can’t believe where I’m writing this from…Kermies bed! He’s asleep. Yes I’m as surprised about it as you all are. Almost a year to the day of our first date and shitloads of history later here we are!
Let me explain how this happened. Cosmic ordering works! I got my man with a beard…Erm no but it’s kinda strange. I don’t let myself think about kermie, it hurts too much (see previous blogs) He’s the only guy who I’ve ever had actual feelings for from online, but the other night I had a dream about him, then I was casually swiping on tinder and bam his face appears! After this I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Me being a swiping whore I also then saw him on pof…I think the universe was trying to tell me something after literally almost a year without seeing his face then seeing it loads within the space of a few weeks so I messaged him, I was fully expecting him to tell me to fuck off but he replied! Pof turned into whatsapp, turned into voice notes, turned into a 2 hour phone call, turned into this.
Meeting up was probably the most awkward moment of my life. I’ve literally been sick three times today but after a few drinks we loosened up and we ended back up at his.
I don’t know what’s going to happen going forward …maybe this was just bonus night? I hope it wasn’t. I’ve had another taste of that penis I can’t believe I’d forgotten about how amazing it was. Actually it’s so amazing I’m going to stop typing and get back on it!
I’m not going to be able to walk tomorrow morning…..worth it!
After two months of being stuck in something that was all about him I’m going to focus on getting what I want.
I want to take little parts of each experience that I’ve had ( I mean big parts, kermies penis! Jeez I miss that thing!) Focus on that.
I want the amazing sexual chemistry I had with Wright. That type where you literally can’t keep your hands off each other. You spend the whole evening having sex and the next morning too. I need that. As I’ve been on more dates and met more people my sex drive has just gone crazy.
I want someone who is confident and knows what he wants. Kermie could be an arrogant prick but I kinda found the fact that he was like that sexy. At least there was no dramas and constant crisis of confidence.
I want to go on proper dates and adventures. I’ve spent the last two months held up in my flat, yes we were having amazing sex but I also felt like I couldn’t breathe! I don’t need to go on extravagant or expensive dates it’s not about that, a walk in the woods would suit me as much as dinner at The Ivy…also I like outdoor sex so the chance of you getting…ahem…wood…in the woods is high!
I also want someone that is nice. I’ve always fought against nice guys and have just gone for bastards. (See recent/all posts) I’ve even turned guys down thinking they were too nice! I’m shooting myself now, nice guys do not finish last…if you’re super nice I promise I won’t let you finish last.
Maybe I should do that cosmic ordering thing and write this shit down and stick it on my fridge? My own little man mantra. After almost two years of on and off online dating I’m willing to try anything.
I know all (one) of you are on tenterhooks to find out how my date with Mr JT went….well…it was a date of firsts, first time I just went back to someone’s house and didn’t have an actual date. First time a man has been able to distract me from triple helpings of Hardy and the first time I’ve erm….erm…you know, had sex on a first date.
We’ve been talking for about 3 weeks and a date seemed kinda formal so we got some wine and went back to his we had Legend on and then later TDKR but we didn’t pay attention to either, not even Bane or the Krays could stop all the kissing. It was nice and chilled and comfortable there was no first date awkwardness at all and I know a lady never tells but I’m more Lady Chatterly so yes, we had sex. We did wait til the morning though so that makes it better right?
Who knows what will happen? He’s a master fingerblaster and that penis though…. hello Justin Beaver! If we don’t meet again then least we had a good night and you can all look forward to my ‘Why you shouldn’t have sex on a first date’ blog coming soon!
I’ve just been having a conversation with X and I realised how picky I am…this is me describing Ryan Gosling …..(insert all of the embarrassed monkey emojis, I deserve them!)
Why is it that we are always striving for someone better? I’ve touched on this before but this is why Tinder is so addictive, it’s always like the next guy is going to be hotter/ have a better beard/ be a musician/ have tattoos…and then you end up with thumb ache from all that swiping left and still no date!
Why can’t we just be happy with who we already have infront of us? I’ve ended things with people before over the silliest reasons and have this image in my head of what’s perfect and what it should be like but I’ve got to start realising that no one is ever going to live up to my expectations! Do beards and tattoos really matter? Nope. I’ve got to stop being so shallow. Maybe the person for me will be the average guy who makes me laugh and understands me, even though he’s not Tom Hardy with a 12inch cocktapus?
Also Ryan if you’re reading this poppet….I still would…for that jacket you wore in Drive alone!