Double the Douche. 

So this week has been a case of speaking to guys and then blocking, always a good week dating wise when this happens! 

Let’s start with The Artist, I sort of sensed an immediate clash of personalities but you know me I cracked on! The major warning signs were the questions he was throwing out at me after a day of talking ‘do you fancy me?’ ‘Do you want to fuck me?’ And my personal favourite which is never good ‘how many other guys are you talking to?’ It comes across as soooo needy! Also this may sound wanky but I hate it when I have mundane generic questions thrown at me, I like silly fun conversations that go off on random tangents but here’s this guy asking if I ever had a pet? How does that really learn anything about me? The final straw was when I joked that if he drew me he would get into my pants, well this guy presented me with a doodle and actually thought this meant we would be fucking! Erm…it’s slightly harder than that mate! After he never got the answers that he wanted and I stopped replying he decided that and I quote ‘was a horrible person and he fell into my trap’ my what?! I mean I’ve had a lot of penis but there’s no chance of anyone falling into it! And then he did the classic recovery technique of saying he only messaged me because he was drunk….way to regain your dignity buddy! 

Then there was the racing car driver. A hoot to text (take note doodler!) we were flirting and then he started getting really persistent about coming to my house that night bare in mind we had spoken for about three hours. Well I sacked it off and started speaking to someone else as it started to get annoying. Half an hour later I got an aggressive message asking me why I was still online? Oh god no. I literally can’t be dealing with this shit. If he’s being needy now what would he be like if we were actually going out? So I just straight up blocked him. 

I guess the way I have to look at this now is that maybe it’s a good thing I’m meeting all these dickheads, because eventually they will run out and I will have blocked them all to make way for my prince! I’m being wildly optimistic aren’t I?! 

Hello Mr Anonymous. 

So I received a comment on my previous post using Xs name and effectively naming and shaming him. Well I say shamed but he’s been on the end of some cracking blowjobs for the last three years and there’s nothing shameful about that. Whoever sent this comment set up a fake email address to spill this supposed tea. Here’s the kicker though…everyone knows who X is! Our friends/ family/ work colleagues always have! As none of them are douchey enough to pull this stunt I’m guessing it’s someone who I’ve chatted to/ dated, also none of them speak like a wannabe roadman…be careful your illiteracy might give you away. 

I know you’re not meant to feed the trolls but I’ve decided to choke the cowardly faceless fuck instead….

Firstly I have to approve comments so nobody sees what you’ve written, so if you have a problem you may as well text me. Oh no you’re too scared because that’s would reveal your identity wouldn’t it? 

Secondly, are you trying to scare me but subtly revealing you know details about my life? Oh you big man stalking my socials and putting 2 and 2 together. Chill your boots Columbo! 

Thirdly, clearly I’ve pissed you off by writing about you and you can’t let it go. Well I’m not going to apologise for calling you out on your ugly personality, you messaging me on here is just proving my point! 

Fourthly, thanks for all the effort! Setting up a fake email and reading my posts (hello views!) clearly little old me has impacted on your life! 

And finally and this is the most important one…SUCK MY DICK. From what I’ve seen it’s bigger than yours! 

Is age just a number? 

It’s been a while since my last blog and things have been pretty uneventful until last night but I ll get to that in a bit…

I didn’t go out with Mr Wright 2 I knew that I would just be settling. The Dr has either died/ broken his phone or, you know, just being a straight up twat and I’m not the kind to chase people so I’m done. 

I’ve widened my search on Tinder and upped the age range to 40. I’ve never been out with an older guy before I always thought it screamed daddy issues (and to be fair with my family situ I should have rampant daddy issues!) and I guess I’ve just never really been into silver foxes, no George Clooney fantasies for me. 

Here’s where the weird bit comes in the only older guy I’ve spoken to so far…let’s call him the DILF (he’s 40 and has a daughter) is someone who I kind of know. He’s a customer in my shop. I’ve perved on him ever since he came in, he’s just my type, dresses well, skinny, has a beard etc but because he is usually with his daughter I assumed he was married so just admired him from afar. I can’t believe after 2+ years of noticing the guy I’ve now got his number and have flirted with him. Life’s weird isn’t it? I didn’t say anything about recognising him but it made me laugh when he was telling me where he came from and about his daughter and In the back of my mind I’m like ‘yeah I already know mate!’

I’m getting vibes that he just wants ‘fun’ and we all know I ideally want something a bit more but am I going to stop talking to him and rule out a date with someone who I’ve fancied for ages? Am I fuck. He’s not only hot but he’s also smart and charming and funny. 

This dating lark has gotten so old for me I may as well mix it up and go for something old…right? 

Mr Hot but dull, drunk and most definitely weird. 

If you’ve read this blog before then you know who Mr hot but dull is. If not the title speaks for itself. I’ve changed my mind on the bit about him probably being a nice guy though because this fella is a straight up weirdo! 

Tonight just as I’m going to bed my phone beeps…not unusual I’m a serial texter…kinda unusual to see hot but dulls name on my phone saying ‘hey’…erm the last time we spoke he said ‘fuck you’ after reading the blog I wrote about him. I had all but forgotten who he was until the exchange we’ve just had.

‘Hey’ turned into ‘you really upset me’ which turned into ‘you know nothing about me’ which has ended with ‘I really like you’ oh for fuck sake..SERIOUSLY?! Why couldn’t he have just left it? Instead of getting drunk and hitting me back up? So not only is he going to be upset and furious he’s now going to be super embarrassed. 

He said that he just really wanted me to know how much I was upset him…ok. email me at Doesitlooklikeigiveafuck. Com. I had only messaged this guy for a few weeks and we had one super awkward conversation. I couldn’t cope with his one word answers. His face got me his number, his personality made me delete it. 

I’m not apologising to him for writing about it. I am sorry that it’s affected him so much that he needed to do this and make both of us feel uncomfortable. There was literally no need for it. 

Hopefully he wakes up tomorrow and realises he’s been a weirdo and that when you’re drunk not to hit up old tinderellas…it’s never going to end well, poppet. It’s going to end in a blog that probably makes you feel more upset than the first one, so stop giving me material. 

Mastur-mates

So let me tell you about RJ he’s a musician with a man bun which is usually unforgivable but he’s a musician so let’s move on….

I’m not sure I will ever meet up with him as he’s a little bit…erm odd! He actually said the sentence ‘I’m not gay I just like dick’….yeah that’s a little bit gay mate! 

We literally just have casual sext…yes he’s my virtual whatsapp mastur-mate! It started off as sexy and fun but now man bun keeps asking me random questions about dick like how many I’ve seen (a few!) how big are they (oh my does that vary!) and how much they ejaculate, (see previous brackets) he also keeps asking me to invite other guys I’m talking to to join in on our sext sessions now I’m very open minded when it comes to sex but I’m getting the feeling that he’s into dick more than he’s into me and I can’t compete with a penis so I think I might mention Grindr to him.

In other less penis related news I went on date #5 last week actually we had three dates but the less said about them the better I would however like to find the person that said opposites attract and write them a very strong email because you know what? They lied! 

8 months later…..

sooooo internet men are weird…like really really weird! 

I spoke about photographer Sam in a previous blog ages ago, and to be honest I hadn’t thought about him since last night when I re read all my own posts as I posted a new one then out of the blue last night he texts me it’s like he knew I read his name! 

Let me explain…Sam and I were texting for quite a while until around Xmas time when suddenly he just didn’t reply he told me last night it was because I pushed him to be not so shy and that scared him and that he saw my name in his whatsapp list and felt he owed me an apology…erm wtf?! This is like 8 months too late! 

Now I’m not one to let it go (sorry elsa!) so I admit I may have busted his balls about it last night and said a lot of ‘wtfs’ and ‘you’re a massive weirdo!’ But all he kept saying was he felt he owed me an apology. 

Now I may be cynical…actually no I just think I’ve been on tinder too long I have a theory what happened I reckon he was texting some other girl and chose her (or could have already had a girlfriend, I don’t put anything past online daters!) and now that’s ended he’s probably got drunk and was randomly hitting up old contacts. To be honest it has made me feel strange because i did use to like the guy but I’m nobody’s second choice! 

We ll see what happens and if he texts me today…I’m not going to hold my breath though I think I may die if I do that as apparently he’s not much with the replying!