So I've gotten past my men with tattoos phase, beards and guitars don't give me tingles anymore, now I'm all about nerds and men in glasses! I think the glasses come from Xs dad who is such a DILF it's not even funny.
I've popped up a picture of me with a Pikachu filter on all my dating apps hoping to lure in the nerdy hotties. I've already had a few messages about it, so it's working! I'm a Pokémon Ho. One was a professional footballer who, and I quote, likes 'piss and shit play' I'm sorry but no one poos on the 'Chu so he was a no.
My genius plan will fall apart if anyone actually asks me anything about Pokémon, my knowledge of it ends with me looking cute in yellow ears. Other than that I don't have a Pikaclue!
Privates are called privates for a reason, fellas!
Why has it become a thing (well an online dating thing!) that men think it's ok to tell you that they're wanking? I'm not talking about phone sex here because we all know I'm partial to that, but I mean after a few nice messages they then drop it into conversation. I don't need to know you're furiously knocking one out when I'm eating my breakfast thanks!
It's not sexy or going to get me in the mood (because I'm always in the mood…but anyway) it's just gross. There's a reason it's called alone time. And no I'm not helping you out either fellas….I just wanna eat my cocopops in peace!
So what's new with me?
The subject of kids has come up again. I think I've just got to the age now where it's to be expected. I was chatting to a guy let's call him Christopher and we were getting along nicely on tinder so I gave him my number and his profile picture was him and a kid. I asked him and he said that it was his son and he had abuse (?!) before for it so he didn't mention him….so the opinion of random Tinderellas is more important than his 'world?' his words not mine. I told him straight that he should write it on his profile and if I'm being honest after what happened with Mr A I wouldn't have swiped him. Anyway, we made it to the phone call stage and I just didn't like him. His personality wasn't for me. He also said some really offensive things that he passed off as a joke but if they were then he just wasn't funny. So I shut down that shit. A hot face will never make up for a bad personality.
I also got a random snapchat add from The Londoner to which I replied 'oh fuck no' I do not wish to see that dickhead with a dog filter thanks!
So it's clearly all love and happiness my end! Mwah!
One of the most annoying things ever online dating is on Tinder when you see a really hot guy as you swipe you're already imagining your life together, planning the wedding, naming the kids and what colour pug you want (or in my case what positions were going to be doing!) and yay he swipes back!….but then you start to message and he's dry AF and his spelling is all off.
The disappointment is real.
Over the past month or so due to some major detachment and some other serious shit going down I’ve realised that there’s more to life than online dating. I barely swipe anymore, and I have no enthusiasm talking to tinderfellas.
Why is this I hear you ask? I realised I’ve already found my soulmate (on a completely non romantic friendship level of course!) actually I have two ( shout out to you mrs Jones!) But I’m going to focus on one today.
Readers of this blog know who I’m talking about so there’s no need for names, you probably also know what’s happened between us over the years and I ll never be able to explain that part because our friendship is more than that.
He gets me 100%. He knows I’m a self destructive nightmare, that I feel as though I don’t deserve him so will constantly push him away and will give him a fuck ton of shit but he accepts that, he’s not a walk over though, he frequently puts me in my place and reigns me in he’s the only man who I allow to hand me my bollocks (after a lot of arguing!).
I’ve had intense friendships with the opposite sex before (I’ve even got the tattoos to prove it!) but this is different. It feels like I have to cherish it and never take it for granted.
I have to admit our friendship does affect relationships. There’s no telling some people that were just friends. I get asked frequently why we’re not together but it’s never been about that. Our friendship is way more important. Do I compare him to other guys? In all honesty, yes. It’s hard not to! I want someone who’s always there for me like he is, who doesn’t judge me, who accepts my crazy who wants to play ridiculous games and answer silly questions and looks out for me. I also want someone who I would take a bullet for because I know (and he knows!) I would for him. He literally means the world to me and it’s taken me long enough to realise I do to him. Also his hair and fashion sense on a tinderfella would be great but now I’m just being picky!
Recently sex and dating has become so empty and boring for me. I can’t stand one dimensional sex talk anymore. It’s not fun. But you know what? it’s not important! If I’m meant to fall in love this year that will happen, it’s ok not to get a million messages a day and get thumb burn from all the swiping and you know why? I’m happy and fulfilled with the people I’ve already got in my life, my soulmates.
One of the things that surprises me about online dating is how many people lie in their bio.
The first one is age, I’m sure you’re not 25 with grey hair and more wrinkles than my nana. So why lie?
Another is occupation. According to most men online they are either a professional actor (not in anything I’ve seen!) or a musician, the funniest thing happened with this last week I matched with a ‘full time musician’ on Bumble. What he didn’t realise when he was telling me about his days strumming his guitar was that I already kinda knew him and he’s not a full time musician at all unless they are having jam sessions in River Island…yeah mate I work near you! Pretty sure you’re actually a full time shop boy. What’s the point in starting things off with a lie? Unless you don’t plan on actually meeting anyone what does it achieve? Being able to pretend you’re a rockstar online? Yeah I’m sure they’re pure rock and roll when they are bobbing on their supermarket uniform each morning!
Surely as long as you have got a job it doesn’t matter what you do? We’ve all gotta hustle. I don’t write anything in my bio about where I work because I don’t like it but least I’m not lying about it.
So all you part time actors/ musicians just be honest and say you’re a bar tender or a sales assistant, the decent girls won’t judge!
Tinder, I have a bone to pick with you…50 million users yet you still keep trying to get me to swipe right on my ex boyfriend? Nah mate.
I can cope with seeing people on there who I’ve had an ONS with or I’ve been on a date with but not him. Every time I see him I get a weird surprising stab of anxiety in my chest.
The first time and that second time a year later we got together made it clear we would never be a match so why does tinder have to taunt me? Im over this guy, I don’t let myself think about him so it’s so annoying seeing his face on my phone when I’m happily having a swipe. I’ve also repeatedly swiped left on this guy so out of everyone why does he have to keep appearing?
His bio is a total lie, but I guess ‘I’m a fucking nightmare’ isn’t going to score him much pussy. He’s obviously still alone though so least he’s not projecting any of his shit on to anyone (yes I’m aware that I’m also still alone…let’s not pull at that thread!) also annoying that he hasn’t gotten fat or ugly which means dreams really don’t come true.
So sort your life out Tinder, yeah? And stop this nonsense or I’m going to have to cheat on you with my crazy sordid boyfriend mr POF.