It’s a London thing. 

This week I realised that you can fancy someone based off their accent! 

Let’s chat about ‘The Londoner’ he messaged me on OKC, he isn’t my standard type, actually he’s about as far away from hipster wanky guitar player as you can get but he’s started winning me over. 

As soon as we started doing the voice note thing I got seriously fizzy knickers…his accent is EVERYTHING! This dude calls me ‘treacle’ and I love it! He drops ‘having a bubble’ and ‘dig me out’ into conversation and it makes me want to have a tommy tank, especially when he calls me a sort! 

We’ve texted loads on the dog and bone and there’s way more to him than having a nice boat and a cockney accent, this man is an onion with all his layers. He’s holding my attention which is more than I can say for most…or any guy this year! 

So watch this space! 

Double the Douche. 

So this week has been a case of speaking to guys and then blocking, always a good week dating wise when this happens! 

Let’s start with The Artist, I sort of sensed an immediate clash of personalities but you know me I cracked on! The major warning signs were the questions he was throwing out at me after a day of talking ‘do you fancy me?’ ‘Do you want to fuck me?’ And my personal favourite which is never good ‘how many other guys are you talking to?’ It comes across as soooo needy! Also this may sound wanky but I hate it when I have mundane generic questions thrown at me, I like silly fun conversations that go off on random tangents but here’s this guy asking if I ever had a pet? How does that really learn anything about me? The final straw was when I joked that if he drew me he would get into my pants, well this guy presented me with a doodle and actually thought this meant we would be fucking! Erm…it’s slightly harder than that mate! After he never got the answers that he wanted and I stopped replying he decided that and I quote ‘was a horrible person and he fell into my trap’ my what?! I mean I’ve had a lot of penis but there’s no chance of anyone falling into it! And then he did the classic recovery technique of saying he only messaged me because he was drunk….way to regain your dignity buddy! 

Then there was the racing car driver. A hoot to text (take note doodler!) we were flirting and then he started getting really persistent about coming to my house that night bare in mind we had spoken for about three hours. Well I sacked it off and started speaking to someone else as it started to get annoying. Half an hour later I got an aggressive message asking me why I was still online? Oh god no. I literally can’t be dealing with this shit. If he’s being needy now what would he be like if we were actually going out? So I just straight up blocked him. 

I guess the way I have to look at this now is that maybe it’s a good thing I’m meeting all these dickheads, because eventually they will run out and I will have blocked them all to make way for my prince! I’m being wildly optimistic aren’t I?! 

Soul MATES. 

Over the past month or so due to some major detachment and some other serious shit going down I’ve realised that there’s more to life than online dating. I barely swipe anymore, and I have no enthusiasm talking to tinderfellas. 

Why is this I hear you ask? I realised I’ve already found my soulmate (on a completely non romantic friendship level of course!) actually I have two ( shout out to you mrs Jones!) But I’m going to focus on one today. 

Readers of this blog know who I’m talking about so there’s no need for names, you probably also know what’s happened between us over the years and I ll never be able to explain that part because our friendship is more than that. 

He gets me 100%. He knows I’m a self destructive nightmare, that I feel as though I don’t deserve him so will constantly push him away and will give him a fuck ton of shit but he accepts that, he’s not a walk over though, he frequently puts me in my place and reigns me in he’s the only man who I allow to hand me my bollocks (after a lot of arguing!). 

I’ve had intense friendships with the opposite sex before (I’ve even got the tattoos to prove it!) but this is different. It feels like I have to cherish it and never take it for granted. 

I have to admit our friendship does affect relationships. There’s no telling some people that were just friends. I get asked frequently why we’re not together but it’s never been about that. Our friendship is way more important. Do I compare him to other guys? In all honesty, yes. It’s hard not to! I want someone who’s always there for me like he is, who doesn’t judge me, who accepts my crazy who wants to play ridiculous games and answer silly questions and looks out for me. I also want someone who I would take a bullet for because I know (and he knows!) I would for him. He literally means the world to me and it’s taken me long enough to realise I do to him. Also his hair and fashion sense on a tinderfella would be great but now I’m just being picky! 

Recently sex and dating has become so empty and boring for me. I can’t stand one dimensional sex talk anymore. It’s not fun. But you know what? it’s not important! If I’m meant to fall in love this year that will happen, it’s ok not to get a million messages a day and get thumb burn from all the swiping and you know why? I’m happy and fulfilled with the people I’ve already got in my life, my soulmates. 

Hello Mr Anonymous. 

So I received a comment on my previous post using Xs name and effectively naming and shaming him. Well I say shamed but he’s been on the end of some cracking blowjobs for the last three years and there’s nothing shameful about that. Whoever sent this comment set up a fake email address to spill this supposed tea. Here’s the kicker though…everyone knows who X is! Our friends/ family/ work colleagues always have! As none of them are douchey enough to pull this stunt I’m guessing it’s someone who I’ve chatted to/ dated, also none of them speak like a wannabe roadman…be careful your illiteracy might give you away. 

I know you’re not meant to feed the trolls but I’ve decided to choke the cowardly faceless fuck instead….

Firstly I have to approve comments so nobody sees what you’ve written, so if you have a problem you may as well text me. Oh no you’re too scared because that’s would reveal your identity wouldn’t it? 

Secondly, are you trying to scare me but subtly revealing you know details about my life? Oh you big man stalking my socials and putting 2 and 2 together. Chill your boots Columbo! 

Thirdly, clearly I’ve pissed you off by writing about you and you can’t let it go. Well I’m not going to apologise for calling you out on your ugly personality, you messaging me on here is just proving my point! 

Fourthly, thanks for all the effort! Setting up a fake email and reading my posts (hello views!) clearly little old me has impacted on your life! 

And finally and this is the most important one…SUCK MY DICK. From what I’ve seen it’s bigger than yours! 

Bio hazard. 

One of the things that surprises me about online dating is how many people lie in their bio. 

The first one is age, I’m sure you’re not 25 with grey hair and more wrinkles than my nana. So why lie?  

Another is occupation. According to most men online they are either a professional actor (not in anything I’ve seen!) or a musician, the funniest thing happened with this last week I matched with a ‘full time musician’ on Bumble. What he didn’t realise when he was telling me about his days strumming his guitar was that I already kinda knew him and he’s not a full time musician at all unless they are having jam sessions in River Island…yeah mate I work near you! Pretty sure you’re actually a full time shop boy. What’s the point in starting things off with a lie? Unless you don’t plan on actually meeting anyone what does it achieve? Being able to pretend you’re a rockstar online? Yeah I’m sure they’re pure rock and roll when they are bobbing on their supermarket uniform each morning! 

Surely as long as you have got a job it doesn’t matter what you do? We’ve all gotta hustle. I don’t write anything in my bio about where I work because I don’t like it but least I’m not lying about it. 

So all you part time actors/ musicians just be honest and say you’re a bar tender or a sales assistant, the decent girls won’t judge! 

Young (ish), Wild (definitely) and free. 

I was having a conversation with my best friend about mutual acquaintances who have been with each other since school. It made me think a lot. I get that it’s super cute and all but aren’t they bored?! As much as I would like to find someone least I know what I want in a man or what I don’t want based on a fair few previous experiences. But these people literally know nothing else. Do they even really know who they are when they’re alone? Surely experiences are what shape you and make you? 

Maybe I’m talking bollocks because I’ve never been in love, I mean I get antsy spending an entire day with someone! I see loads of young couples where I live and work and they all look miserable. The thought of being in a mundane routine with the same face and penis every single day terrifies me. I’m well aware I’m getting on but if I met my beloved at 16 we would have been together for 16 years! Literally half of my life…that’s crazy to me! 

My own mission to fall in love this year has been derailed by the absolute wrongens I’ve decided to date but I keep thinking is falling in love something that I want or something that I think I want? 

I can connect with people quite easily but in 15 dates I’ve only carried on seeing 3 people and one of those was due to the fact he was really good at sex. I have learnt valuble lessons from all of them though. 

Seeing as I don’t want kids maybe I’ve still got a bit of time left to mess around? I do like meeting new guys There’s loads of things to do and people to see or in my case people to do and things to suck…I mean see, no. I mean suck. 

I know this post might not sound like it but I do love, love. Seeing old couples together make me melt but I know that realistically I’m never going to have that relationship that I can look back on and say ‘we were together for 65 years…he was my childhood sweetheart’ I’m ok with that. I can look back on all these different experienes knowing that some have been wonderful, some have been awful some have even been heartbreaking but at least it’s never been boring! 

Darth Vaper. 

Where o’ where do I begin? 

For the last year or so a dude has come into my shop and we’ve had a little flirt up. He works in the vape shop in the same shopping centre as me and always wears black hence the incredibly clever name of this blog. He’s totally not my type but I’ve always had a weird crush on him. Fast forward to this week I see him on tinder and we match and he starts messaging me. This is kinda perfect right? I mean he already knows where I work which I never give out and what I look like (he said he had noticed my ass when he walked past….well duh I always used to pop it for him!) so the first night of messaging goes well and he’s actually kinda sweet. 

Day 2: In the back of my mind this guy isn’t right for me, I’ve had a social media stalk and he has lip bite pictures and shots of his abs on Facebook…lots of them! He also calls me Hun, writes lol and listens to dubstep, all the things that I don’t like in a guy. Oh he also has an 8 month old daughter. But because I’m me I get carried away and flirt with him and he sends me a dick pic. All of a sudden I’m literally hit in the face with how this guy isn’t right for me, what the fuck am I playing at? Seeing him in his pajamas in his flat with a matte red wall (who the fuck has that?!) and his hands down his pants is a massive wake up call. But now I’m in a pickle. He no longer works in the same town as me, thank fuck for that! But on Friday he’s covering his old shop. Obviously I’m never going to go out with this guy but I can hardly avoid him! He has to walk past my shop to get to his and my shop is fully glass fronted. Talk about shitting on your own doorstep! Part of me sees how funny this is, part of me is fully crapping myself that he’s going to walk into my shop. I’ve stopped texting him as he got pissy when I didn’t compliment his dick so fingers crossed he just does the sensible thing and doesn’t come in the shop. The thing is he’s cocky AF so he probably will. 

This isn’t the only guy I’ve stopped talking to recently. Enter Mr Upper Middle Class, not really my type looks wise, he was fun to text at the start, sent me a misjudged and totally unwanted dick pic but I let that go, but then he turned really beggy and persistent. After at least 10 times asking me out and me palming him off he still didn’t get the message. The final straw came when he took it upon himself to comment on my diet. I was poorly and he said he put it down to that! Really?! So what if I eat Haribos for lunch? If I wanted a nutritionist I would hit up Gillian Mckeith and get her to rootle through my shit not some beg off Tinder. So I had to block him. 

I also saw Mr Wright and James on POF recently! Ffs that website has 3 million users and it still thinks these doucheballs are a match for me! 

I’m taking this all in my stride as I’ve been talking to someone who I actually like a little bit. I mean I know I ll probably ruin it because hellooooo it’s me but I’m enjoying it until the inevitable happens!