7 facts about me, me, my life, dating · Uncategorized

7 facts about me. The boyfriend edition.

Ok so I said I would get The Scientist to do some facts for me. I get these are soppy and cute but I’m trying to embrace that. I’m going to copy and paste them as he wrote them from a message he sent me.

If you don’t like cringy couple stuff you should probably stop reading now….

1. Has a group of close friends and family of which she’s very protective of, and incredibly kind and considerate to, Hates everyone else.

Haha! Can’t argue with that!

2. Zombie survival plan would definitely involve zombie selfies and hoarding shoes when everyone else was hoarding food!

I love how both The Scientist and Xs facts about me say stuff about zombies! Maybe I talk about The Walking Dead too much?

3. Doesn’t realise how beautiful she is so uses an unnecessary amount of filters, seriously way too many filters!

As someone who can’t handle compliments this was hard for me to read but also made me melt…but come on dude, I know my face looks cuter with bunny ears!

4. Loves a good burger, especially if the burger contains pickles, loves pickles, even if the pickles aren’t contained in a burger.

Once again both sets of my facts are about gherkins! I do bloody love a gherkin though, and he’s right. I’m 99.9% of the time going to order a burger off the menu.

5. The following fact is X-rated and private. Really amazing at ………… . Like incredibly blow your mind amazing. The way she …….. is……. It can only be described as……………………………………………………………………………………………………

Your girls got skillz.

6. Can be very mean, demanding and a tease. But is really supporting and caring when it counts.

He’s basically nailed my personality in one fact.

7. The best, just literally the best.

Ahhhhhh you’re killing me!!

I’m so grateful he took the time to write these. Will be fun to look back on in 10 years time when we hate each other!….joking!

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Dating, online dating, me, my life

The Narcissist. Part two.

Ok so this final part of the story is going to be even longer so you may want to get yourself a snack or four.

So what did he do?

He read about himself in a since deleted blog. Obviously that was hard for him to read but part of me wanted for him to see how he was affecting me. But no. I just got shouted at and told to delete it. As I tried to explain he seemed to calm down and then he started to talk to me nicely and I stupidly thought we had moved on. But no. He later called me to say he had only been nice to get me to apologise! What? He spent the entire evening lying to me to get me to delete a post. Every argument I ever caused paled into insignificance after that. I had never set out to hurt him ever, he launched into me that night. I was only reacting to how he made me feel. I saw then that alcohol didn’t make him a horrible person he just was one. We didn’t speak for weeks after that and any feelings that I had, pity or otherwise were gone.

So why is he a narcissist? I read an article whilst I was caught up in the middle of all this and it fit him perfectly.

Finds it difficult to maintain healthy relationships’ no shit Sherlock.

Lacks empathy’ every time I confided in him I was told to get over it and man up.

Responds to criticism with anger’ every single time.

Have fantasies regarding their own intelligence, success and good looks’ the amount of times he told me that everyone else was the problem and he was great was ridiculous.

Seems arrogant but easily hurt’ he would often lay into me for hours and I would take it. Like the time he told me I made him drink…I’m not sure who caused him to drink for the other 20 years of his life prior to me. But I once told him being drunk set a bad example to his niece and he never let me forget it.

I’ve never met anyone like him before. He’s so negative and toxic and until now I was blind to it. Every conversation we had he sound give me a compliment and then a smack in the face and then another compliment and a harder smack in the face it was so emotionally draining. He broke me mentally. I was anxious and panicky all the time.

After the two week break he messaged me and I’m embarrassed to say I went back one last time. For a long time we messaged nicely and he was even seeing someone. I was just seeing the Scientist so I naively thought we were finally on a level. But no. It kicked off again when I got pissed off when I was telling him about my own #metoo experience and he told me to man up. He then carried on throwing more punches praying on things he knew I was insecure about. During this conversation he also laughed in my face when I said he had broken my heart and my spirit oh and said that he thought I was in love with him. Narcissism 101 right there.

I will never fully understand why I carried on talking to him. The only thing I can think of was I was so down and lonely about online dating was that I was clutching at straws. Any straws.

I’ve written this post as it’s my way of moving on. Getting it all out and clearing my head. It’s done now. Also as a warning to myself and others. A pretty face can’t disguise an ugly heart. Addiction is not a cover for you to be a bad person either.

I might be able to get to the point someday when I wish him well but not now. He’s an abuser. He builds you up to knock you down and gets kicks out it. I know the signs as I lived with one for 27 years. He always said that he was trying to make me stronger. Well don’t break me in the first place.

I want to end this on a positive note. Looking back I think this was 2017s plan all along. Introduce me to the worst person I’ve ever met online to really make me value and appreciate the best person I’ve ever met online, The Scientist.

Dating, online dating, me, my life · Uncategorized

The Narcissist. Part one.

I’m going to write this post in two parts as it will be so long otherwise!

I’ve re written, posted and deleted different versions of this blog a thousand times but now I feel strong enough to post it as he’s blocked from whatsapp and deleted from everywhere else. Being with The Scientist has shown me how I’m supposed to be treated and what having a healthy relationship is all about but for the last four months things have been very different.

I’m going to put it out there now I’m not innocent in all of this, I’ve let my self down and bit back on numerous occasions and I’ve got a vicious tongue. I’ve let my heart rule my head and made massive mistakes.

So let’s begin. I met The Narcissist on POF, the first day we texted and spoke was amazing. I felt such a connection. He was hot, funny, silly and a bit of me. He seemed perfect. Day 2….ffs…day 2. He got drunk and I had to speak to him on the phone to get him out of the pub. He’s an alcoholic. I was very naive going into this as he told me he was sober and I believed him. Because we had such a connection on day one I knew I had to help him and I’m proud of myself for doing what I did that night.

That night made me realise we could never be a couple as I envisioned this would be my life. My first mistake was carrying on talking to him out of pity. I should have cut ties but he was instantly under my skin. Day 2 made us closer but also fucked with my head. From then on it was be nice for a few days and then argue this just went on and on. I was in a really shit place. I will admit I caused some of these arguments as my head was fucked. I guess I was always looking for the person who I thought he was on day one. But he never showed up again only glimpses. I don’t know why I carried on talking to him, or he carried on talking to me. I found out he had no intention of meeting after stringing me along for weeks. What he did next proved to me he was a horrible person when he was sober as well as drunk.

I’m going to end part one here. I want to try and be sensitive and think through what I’m going to write without acting on my emotions.

Dating, online dating, me, my life

New rules.

As we all know I’m super happy with The Scientist, he’s so lovely and everything is going great but there’s still that one guy, that one fucking guy that’s drags me down and makes me feel like shit. Let’s call him the Narcissist.

I can’t write this better than Dua Lipa so here it is….

1. Don’t pick up the phone you know he’s only calling because he’s drunk and alone.

Yep…every single time. I don’t know what it is about this guy but even though he makes me feel like absolute shit I still text him back, he’s always drunk so I worry about him it’s crazy that I even care about this guy but I’m beginning to think that alcohol plays no part in him being a dick. He’s just a dick.

2. Don’t let him in, you’ll have to kick him out again.

For the last 4 months we’ve been in this cycle of being nice for a few days, arguing, me not speaking to him and then him texting me and me being lured back in. It’s so weird, part of me hates him, part of me likes him, part of me wants to save him. It only takes one nice word from him and I forget how he can be and the cycle starts again. It always ends the same though, me feeling shit and him not caring or even believing he’s done something wrong. I’m not sure why out of the thousands of people I’ve spoken to, I let this guy get under my skin but it’s happened.

3. Don’t be his friend, you know you’re going to wake up in his bed in the morning.

Here’s the crazy part, I only ever fancied him for a really short time, we may have met on POF but I saw his true colours super early on and I’ve got prime steak at home so I’m hardly going to ruin that for a scabby cheese burger so there’s no chance of me ending up in his bed. I thought we could be friends though, he was dating someone and so was I so we were on the same level. In hindsight this was crazy, even though we’ve always had this mad chemistry and this magnetic pull he acts like Billy big balls but he’s always too scared to meet me. We’ve spoken for 4 months and there’s always a lame excuse why he can’t come. I think he loves hiding behind his phone because he can say anything he likes. It’s that annoying limbo which upsets me though. Least if we met and didn’t get on I could cut him out forever.I know that I have to cut him out forever but it gives me anxiety if we don’t talk, clearly I’m the ultimate glutton for punishment. He’s blocked off whatsapp so that’s a start right?

Dua would be so fucking disappointed in me.

Dating, online dating, me, my life

Happiness.

So I’ve spent my third consecutive weekend with The Scientist and…oh god…. let’s not make a big deal out of this, but the apps are gone annnnnnd I have a boyfriend…sssh. I’m cringing hard right now but I’m also happy.

I have these wobbles thinking where’s the drama? Why isn’t there any tension? Why isn’t he a massive twat? Why am I not winding him up and pressing his buttons? I know it’s crazy but that’s the way relationships have always gone for me.

I like that we’re polar opposites, he’s the vicars son and I’m the spawn of Satan. I don’t recognise myself with him as I’m so sweet and cringey but for some reason it just fits, were so comfortable and never stop laughing but then there’s the whole other side where we can’t even make it through a tv programme without having amazing sex. He just makes me happy.

We had an awkward moment in the supermarket the other day, we high fived each other as we found our fave pasta and the sales assistant was watching and putting stock out was like ‘aww you’re in love!’ Erm….it’s the third date, steady on Susan! I don’t think I’ve ever blushed so hard in my life!

So yeah….I’m happy with him and it feels good. Unusual for a lone wolf like me but good.

Dating, online dating, me, my life

Reflections 2017

It’s that time of the year again when I marvel at how quickly the year has gone and reflects on what’s happened dating wise.

I’m not going to sugar coat it but this year has been tough. I’ve been in situations out of my control and that I never thought I would be in. I’ve done things that I never thought I would have to do. I’ve had awful dates and met some even more awful people. I’ve cried, had anxiety but it’s ok, I got through it and I’m still here.

I’ve also had fun, been on some good dates, had some good sex and laughed and made connections.

I’m ending this year dating The Scientist. Who knows what’s going to happen there? At least he’s showed me that there are some genuinely nice people in this world.

Dating, online dating, me, my life

Sex and Scrabble.

So I’ve spent another weekend with The Scientist. And it was another weekend full of sex, laughs, kisses, snuggles and all that other cute and cringy stuff that is probably making everyone vomit right now. We even played Scrabble annnnd I beat him by 30 points…but we don’t talk about that. 30 POINTS though!

I like how when we hang out it’s so comfortable and we spend the whole time together laughing. I have zero anxiety when I’m with him, in fact the only anxiety I have at the moment is being anxious about not being anxious!