love, my life, update · Uncategorized

All work and no play

I feel like I am being the worst girlfriend ever at the moment. Im tired (working 40 odd hours), stressed (facing redundancy) and poorly (probably because I’m so tired and stressed!)

The Scientist is still always there for me and a constant pillar of support and sometimes its overwhelming to deal with. He tells me to give up my job if i’m too stressed and he will support me, if i’m tired he will give me massages and make me dinner (ok i’m a shit wifey and he always makes me dinner!) because i’m poorly he went out last night and stocked up on loads of cold and flu stuff.

I’ve just read this back and ‘overwhelming’ seems negative and I don’t mean it like that its more hard to get used to, i’m used to doing things on my own and making tough decisions but now I’ve realised I would be totally lost without him in my life and I dont know what ive done to deserve him.

I feel like he’s a much better boyfriend than I am girlfriend. He’s pretty much got this whole thing nailed and I still cock stuff up and have to remind myself I’m not on my own anymore. I’ve never met someone whose just so kind and loving and expects nothing in return, take last week for example he cooked me a three course meal to celebrate our 8 month anniversary (8 WHOLE MONTHS!!!!!) and because i was too tired to erm….give him some dessert he didn’t mind and was happy just watching love island and having a snuggle, he even went as far to say if he never got any dessert again he would still love me forever!… not sure I can say the same, I love me some regular pudding!

I’m hoping this is just a temporary thing and that work calms down and I feel better soon. We’re off to Italy next week…. I’M SOOOOOO EXCITED!!!! so hopefully I can relax and chill out and after how amazing The Scientist has been give him all the Gelato he deserves 😉

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the honeymoon period, love, relationships, my life

The Honeymoon period.

So I was reading an article about how the honeymoon period in relationships is usually over in six months so does that mean it’s all down hill from now for The Scientist and I?

To be honest I’ve barely even got to the honeymoon period with other relationships let alone get past it so I have no idea what’s going on!

I still feel in the early stages. I’m learning new things about him all the time even though we spend a lot of time together. I always look forward to seeing him at the end of the day.

This week he’s away for 4 days….and I know this pathetic but I’m bereft! Absence does not make the heart grow fonder it just leaves an empty space in our bed.

I feel the same way I did about him at the beginning, the excitement is still there and the sex is still the best ever. I want this feeling to last forever. Yes we have our little routines and we’re not going out every evening being wild and crazy but I love this feeling of contentment. Staying in and watching Netflix and then having amazing sex is the one.

For me the honey moon period is over rated, yes it’s exciting but it’s also filled with nervousness, anxiety and games whilst you’re trying to feel each other out. Give me the feeling of being relaxed and comfortable any time over that!

me, my life, work, work life, relationships, love

One month later.

So I’ve been living in Essex for a month now, can’t believe how quick it’s gone!

I love living with The Scientist. We have so much fun together. Next month we move into our new flat which will be awesome. Even though I love the flat we are in now it will be nice to have somewhere that’s ours from the beginning. I thought it would be a massive adjustment living together, as I mentioned before I lived alone for 7 years, but it’s not. We just fit together.

Work has been a harder transition I’m not going to lie, I miss my old work friends massively and the laughs and fun we used to have.

I feel that’s it’s completely swapped, before I had my work life in order and my love life was a mess now I have met my person and my work life needs some work! It’s only been a month though so I’m not going to complain and just give things time to settle.

I’m still 100% sure that I made the right decision to leave and move in with my beloved. Hopefully next month we will be in our new flat and I will be as happy at work as I am at home….fingers crossed!

dating, types, relationships

Just my type.

I’m in a reflective mood today, seeing it’s nearing the end of the year it’s got me thinking about the ghosts of dating past, more specifically the types of ghosts.

When I tell my friends about The Scientist, they are all surprised. 95% because I actually have a boyfriend (thanks friends!) and 5% because he’s stable. Stable life. Stable job. Stable family.

I’ve never deliberately gone for bad boys but they have always seemed to find me. Everyone I’ve dated before has issues and are either addicts or drug dealers or you know, drug dealing addicts.

I think like attracts like. Obviously I’m not peddling meth but I am damaged and maybe they can see that in me?

I can remember once when I was chatting to Freckles (chavvy, no home, broke) and the accountant (stable, good job, lots of money.) and we all know who I chose to go on a date with.

Self worth has a lot to do with it. I’ve always gone for wrongens before because that’s all I’ve felt I’ve deserved.

I wasn’t looking for someone like The Scientist but he’s everything I needed. Looks wise he’s obviously my type but personality wise we are so different! He’s laid back, I’m aggy. He’s nice, I’m a shitbag. He’s logical, I’m irrational. He plans, I jump straight in. It still works though.

7 facts about me, me, my life, dating · Uncategorized

7 facts about me. The boyfriend edition.

Ok so I said I would get The Scientist to do some facts for me. I get these are soppy and cute but I’m trying to embrace that. I’m going to copy and paste them as he wrote them from a message he sent me.

If you don’t like cringy couple stuff you should probably stop reading now….

1. Has a group of close friends and family of which she’s very protective of, and incredibly kind and considerate to, Hates everyone else.

Haha! Can’t argue with that!

2. Zombie survival plan would definitely involve zombie selfies and hoarding shoes when everyone else was hoarding food!

I love how both The Scientist and Xs facts about me say stuff about zombies! Maybe I talk about The Walking Dead too much?

3. Doesn’t realise how beautiful she is so uses an unnecessary amount of filters, seriously way too many filters!

As someone who can’t handle compliments this was hard for me to read but also made me melt…but come on dude, I know my face looks cuter with bunny ears!

4. Loves a good burger, especially if the burger contains pickles, loves pickles, even if the pickles aren’t contained in a burger.

Once again both sets of my facts are about gherkins! I do bloody love a gherkin though, and he’s right. I’m 99.9% of the time going to order a burger off the menu.

5. The following fact is X-rated and private. Really amazing at ………… . Like incredibly blow your mind amazing. The way she …….. is……. It can only be described as……………………………………………………………………………………………………

Your girls got skillz.

6. Can be very mean, demanding and a tease. But is really supporting and caring when it counts.

He’s basically nailed my personality in one fact.

7. The best, just literally the best.

Ahhhhhh you’re killing me!!

I’m so grateful he took the time to write these. Will be fun to look back on in 10 years time when we hate each other!….joking!

Dating, online dating, me, my life

The Narcissist. Part two.

Ok so this final part of the story is going to be even longer so you may want to get yourself a snack or four.

So what did he do?

He read about himself in a since deleted blog. Obviously that was hard for him to read but part of me wanted for him to see how he was affecting me. But no. I just got shouted at and told to delete it. As I tried to explain he seemed to calm down and then he started to talk to me nicely and I stupidly thought we had moved on. But no. He later called me to say he had only been nice to get me to apologise! What? He spent the entire evening lying to me to get me to delete a post. Every argument I ever caused paled into insignificance after that. I had never set out to hurt him ever, he launched into me that night. I was only reacting to how he made me feel. I saw then that alcohol didn’t make him a horrible person he just was one. We didn’t speak for weeks after that and any feelings that I had, pity or otherwise were gone.

So why is he a narcissist? I read an article whilst I was caught up in the middle of all this and it fit him perfectly.

Finds it difficult to maintain healthy relationships’ no shit Sherlock.

Lacks empathy’ every time I confided in him I was told to get over it and man up.

Responds to criticism with anger’ every single time.

Have fantasies regarding their own intelligence, success and good looks’ the amount of times he told me that everyone else was the problem and he was great was ridiculous.

Seems arrogant but easily hurt’ he would often lay into me for hours and I would take it. Like the time he told me I made him drink…I’m not sure who caused him to drink for the other 20 years of his life prior to me. But I once told him being drunk set a bad example to his niece and he never let me forget it.

I’ve never met anyone like him before. He’s so negative and toxic and until now I was blind to it. Every conversation we had he sound give me a compliment and then a smack in the face and then another compliment and a harder smack in the face it was so emotionally draining. He broke me mentally. I was anxious and panicky all the time.

After the two week break he messaged me and I’m embarrassed to say I went back one last time. For a long time we messaged nicely and he was even seeing someone. I was just seeing the Scientist so I naively thought we were finally on a level. But no. It kicked off again when I got pissed off when I was telling him about my own #metoo experience and he told me to man up. He then carried on throwing more punches praying on things he knew I was insecure about. During this conversation he also laughed in my face when I said he had broken my heart and my spirit oh and said that he thought I was in love with him. Narcissism 101 right there.

I will never fully understand why I carried on talking to him. The only thing I can think of was I was so down and lonely about online dating was that I was clutching at straws. Any straws.

I’ve written this post as it’s my way of moving on. Getting it all out and clearing my head. It’s done now. Also as a warning to myself and others. A pretty face can’t disguise an ugly heart. Addiction is not a cover for you to be a bad person either.

I might be able to get to the point someday when I wish him well but not now. He’s an abuser. He builds you up to knock you down and gets kicks out it. I know the signs as I lived with one for 27 years. He always said that he was trying to make me stronger. Well don’t break me in the first place.

I want to end this on a positive note. Looking back I think this was 2017s plan all along. Introduce me to the worst person I’ve ever met online to really make me value and appreciate the best person I’ve ever met online, The Scientist.

Dating, online dating, me, my life · Uncategorized

The Narcissist. Part one.

I’m going to write this post in two parts as it will be so long otherwise!

I’ve re written, posted and deleted different versions of this blog a thousand times but now I feel strong enough to post it as he’s blocked from whatsapp and deleted from everywhere else. Being with The Scientist has shown me how I’m supposed to be treated and what having a healthy relationship is all about but for the last four months things have been very different.

I’m going to put it out there now I’m not innocent in all of this, I’ve let my self down and bit back on numerous occasions and I’ve got a vicious tongue. I’ve let my heart rule my head and made massive mistakes.

So let’s begin. I met The Narcissist on POF, the first day we texted and spoke was amazing. I felt such a connection. He was hot, funny, silly and a bit of me. He seemed perfect. Day 2….ffs…day 2. He got drunk and I had to speak to him on the phone to get him out of the pub. He’s an alcoholic. I was very naive going into this as he told me he was sober and I believed him. Because we had such a connection on day one I knew I had to help him and I’m proud of myself for doing what I did that night.

That night made me realise we could never be a couple as I envisioned this would be my life. My first mistake was carrying on talking to him out of pity. I should have cut ties but he was instantly under my skin. Day 2 made us closer but also fucked with my head. From then on it was be nice for a few days and then argue this just went on and on. I was in a really shit place. I will admit I caused some of these arguments as my head was fucked. I guess I was always looking for the person who I thought he was on day one. But he never showed up again only glimpses. I don’t know why I carried on talking to him, or he carried on talking to me. I found out he had no intention of meeting after stringing me along for weeks. What he did next proved to me he was a horrible person when he was sober as well as drunk.

I’m going to end part one here. I want to try and be sensitive and think through what I’m going to write without acting on my emotions.