dating, relationship, family, my life, love

Meet the family

Last week I turned 33 (fuck me i’m getting on!) The Scientist, X and I went to my favourite beach to celebrate. I get that this is an unconventional threesome considering my well documented past with X but I love The Scientist and want him to get to know the other important man in my life. Not going to lie I was nervous. They are very different so could have been a disaster luckily they got on very well and we had a lovely day. After our beach adventure it was time to meet the family. I don’t speak to my parents and the only family I have in my life are my sister, brother in law and nieces. But luckily they fell in love with him too! My sister is equally as sassy as me and my nieces are even sassier so it could have been a tough crowd. My sister said that he is one of those people who you can’t help but fall in love with. Yep. Completely agree. I was pretty much there on date 2!

I’m going up north in a few weeks to meet his parents, even though I know they’re lovely (I’ve heard them on the phone) I’m more nervous than I’ve ever been about anything ever. I probably don’t make the best first impression. I’m cocky and loud and sweary so I’m going to have to hold all of that back! Wish me luck!

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dating, types, relationships

Just my type.

I’m in a reflective mood today, seeing it’s nearing the end of the year it’s got me thinking about the ghosts of dating past, more specifically the types of ghosts.

When I tell my friends about The Scientist, they are all surprised. 95% because I actually have a boyfriend (thanks friends!) and 5% because he’s stable. Stable life. Stable job. Stable family.

I’ve never deliberately gone for bad boys but they have always seemed to find me. Everyone I’ve dated before has issues and are either addicts or drug dealers or you know, drug dealing addicts.

I think like attracts like. Obviously I’m not peddling meth but I am damaged and maybe they can see that in me?

I can remember once when I was chatting to Freckles (chavvy, no home, broke) and the accountant (stable, good job, lots of money.) and we all know who I chose to go on a date with.

Self worth has a lot to do with it. I’ve always gone for wrongens before because that’s all I’ve felt I’ve deserved.

I wasn’t looking for someone like The Scientist but he’s everything I needed. Looks wise he’s obviously my type but personality wise we are so different! He’s laid back, I’m aggy. He’s nice, I’m a shitbag. He’s logical, I’m irrational. He plans, I jump straight in. It still works though.

dating, relationship, christmas, my life

It’s Christmas time….

So things are still going well with The Scientist, actually they are going amazingly well! It just gets better every time I see him and we spend time together. Yesterday I literally had, hands down my best sexual experience ever with him or anyone. Sorry for gushing (literally in this case!) but I guess this is what happens when you have sex with feelings right? Wish someone could have told me about this before.

I know it’s not all about the sex though and it’s all the moments in between bit those are great as well.

I cocked up massively though, we exchanged Christmas presents and me being the grade A bellpiece I am thought it would be funny to get him a kids chemistry set seeing as he’s a scientist after all so there’s me chortling away at my genius and he hands me a slim box, at this moment I’m hoping it’s something lame so I can claw this back but no it’s a beautiful Murano glass rose from Venice. I told him ages ago how I thought glass blowing was beautiful. I was so touched by this. The fact the present was seriously lovely and the fact he had listened to me. I felt so bad though. I got him a chemistry set. A fucking chemistry set. He saw the funny side and got excited about doing experiments with me! Please tell me what I’ve done to deserve him? He also made me a card. A pop up card. Gushing ridiculously hard right now.

We have plans to spend new year together and I really can’t wait to see 2018 in being in a happy and solid relationship. I’m still pinching myself.

Dating, me, my life

One month later.

It’s been a whole month since my first date with The Scientist and things are still going great, he has such a good energy that I can be entirely myself around him.

I’m still excited about this as I was after date one. We’ve just spent another blissful weekend together. For the first time we didn’t really leave the house and it was great! All of the amazing sex aside I really enjoyed the moments we spent together (albeit naked) just talking and being silly.

I honestly feel so lucky and grateful that we’ve found each other.

Dating, online dating, me, my life

The Narcissist. Part two.

Ok so this final part of the story is going to be even longer so you may want to get yourself a snack or four.

So what did he do?

He read about himself in a since deleted blog. Obviously that was hard for him to read but part of me wanted for him to see how he was affecting me. But no. I just got shouted at and told to delete it. As I tried to explain he seemed to calm down and then he started to talk to me nicely and I stupidly thought we had moved on. But no. He later called me to say he had only been nice to get me to apologise! What? He spent the entire evening lying to me to get me to delete a post. Every argument I ever caused paled into insignificance after that. I had never set out to hurt him ever, he launched into me that night. I was only reacting to how he made me feel. I saw then that alcohol didn’t make him a horrible person he just was one. We didn’t speak for weeks after that and any feelings that I had, pity or otherwise were gone.

So why is he a narcissist? I read an article whilst I was caught up in the middle of all this and it fit him perfectly.

Finds it difficult to maintain healthy relationships’ no shit Sherlock.

Lacks empathy’ every time I confided in him I was told to get over it and man up.

Responds to criticism with anger’ every single time.

Have fantasies regarding their own intelligence, success and good looks’ the amount of times he told me that everyone else was the problem and he was great was ridiculous.

Seems arrogant but easily hurt’ he would often lay into me for hours and I would take it. Like the time he told me I made him drink…I’m not sure who caused him to drink for the other 20 years of his life prior to me. But I once told him being drunk set a bad example to his niece and he never let me forget it.

I’ve never met anyone like him before. He’s so negative and toxic and until now I was blind to it. Every conversation we had he sound give me a compliment and then a smack in the face and then another compliment and a harder smack in the face it was so emotionally draining. He broke me mentally. I was anxious and panicky all the time.

After the two week break he messaged me and I’m embarrassed to say I went back one last time. For a long time we messaged nicely and he was even seeing someone. I was just seeing the Scientist so I naively thought we were finally on a level. But no. It kicked off again when I got pissed off when I was telling him about my own #metoo experience and he told me to man up. He then carried on throwing more punches praying on things he knew I was insecure about. During this conversation he also laughed in my face when I said he had broken my heart and my spirit oh and said that he thought I was in love with him. Narcissism 101 right there.

I will never fully understand why I carried on talking to him. The only thing I can think of was I was so down and lonely about online dating was that I was clutching at straws. Any straws.

I’ve written this post as it’s my way of moving on. Getting it all out and clearing my head. It’s done now. Also as a warning to myself and others. A pretty face can’t disguise an ugly heart. Addiction is not a cover for you to be a bad person either.

I might be able to get to the point someday when I wish him well but not now. He’s an abuser. He builds you up to knock you down and gets kicks out it. I know the signs as I lived with one for 27 years. He always said that he was trying to make me stronger. Well don’t break me in the first place.

I want to end this on a positive note. Looking back I think this was 2017s plan all along. Introduce me to the worst person I’ve ever met online to really make me value and appreciate the best person I’ve ever met online, The Scientist.

Dating, online dating, me, my life · Uncategorized

The Narcissist. Part one.

I’m going to write this post in two parts as it will be so long otherwise!

I’ve re written, posted and deleted different versions of this blog a thousand times but now I feel strong enough to post it as he’s blocked from whatsapp and deleted from everywhere else. Being with The Scientist has shown me how I’m supposed to be treated and what having a healthy relationship is all about but for the last four months things have been very different.

I’m going to put it out there now I’m not innocent in all of this, I’ve let my self down and bit back on numerous occasions and I’ve got a vicious tongue. I’ve let my heart rule my head and made massive mistakes.

So let’s begin. I met The Narcissist on POF, the first day we texted and spoke was amazing. I felt such a connection. He was hot, funny, silly and a bit of me. He seemed perfect. Day 2….ffs…day 2. He got drunk and I had to speak to him on the phone to get him out of the pub. He’s an alcoholic. I was very naive going into this as he told me he was sober and I believed him. Because we had such a connection on day one I knew I had to help him and I’m proud of myself for doing what I did that night.

That night made me realise we could never be a couple as I envisioned this would be my life. My first mistake was carrying on talking to him out of pity. I should have cut ties but he was instantly under my skin. Day 2 made us closer but also fucked with my head. From then on it was be nice for a few days and then argue this just went on and on. I was in a really shit place. I will admit I caused some of these arguments as my head was fucked. I guess I was always looking for the person who I thought he was on day one. But he never showed up again only glimpses. I don’t know why I carried on talking to him, or he carried on talking to me. I found out he had no intention of meeting after stringing me along for weeks. What he did next proved to me he was a horrible person when he was sober as well as drunk.

I’m going to end part one here. I want to try and be sensitive and think through what I’m going to write without acting on my emotions.

Dating, online dating, me, my life

New rules.

As we all know I’m super happy with The Scientist, he’s so lovely and everything is going great but there’s still that one guy, that one fucking guy that’s drags me down and makes me feel like shit. Let’s call him the Narcissist.

I can’t write this better than Dua Lipa so here it is….

1. Don’t pick up the phone you know he’s only calling because he’s drunk and alone.

Yep…every single time. I don’t know what it is about this guy but even though he makes me feel like absolute shit I still text him back, he’s always drunk so I worry about him it’s crazy that I even care about this guy but I’m beginning to think that alcohol plays no part in him being a dick. He’s just a dick.

2. Don’t let him in, you’ll have to kick him out again.

For the last 4 months we’ve been in this cycle of being nice for a few days, arguing, me not speaking to him and then him texting me and me being lured back in. It’s so weird, part of me hates him, part of me likes him, part of me wants to save him. It only takes one nice word from him and I forget how he can be and the cycle starts again. It always ends the same though, me feeling shit and him not caring or even believing he’s done something wrong. I’m not sure why out of the thousands of people I’ve spoken to, I let this guy get under my skin but it’s happened.

3. Don’t be his friend, you know you’re going to wake up in his bed in the morning.

Here’s the crazy part, I only ever fancied him for a really short time, we may have met on POF but I saw his true colours super early on and I’ve got prime steak at home so I’m hardly going to ruin that for a scabby cheese burger so there’s no chance of me ending up in his bed. I thought we could be friends though, he was dating someone and so was I so we were on the same level. In hindsight this was crazy, even though we’ve always had this mad chemistry and this magnetic pull he acts like Billy big balls but he’s always too scared to meet me. We’ve spoken for 4 months and there’s always a lame excuse why he can’t come. I think he loves hiding behind his phone because he can say anything he likes. It’s that annoying limbo which upsets me though. Least if we met and didn’t get on I could cut him out forever.I know that I have to cut him out forever but it gives me anxiety if we don’t talk, clearly I’m the ultimate glutton for punishment. He’s blocked off whatsapp so that’s a start right?

Dua would be so fucking disappointed in me.