Bio hazard. 

One of the things that surprises me about online dating is how many people lie in their bio. 

The first one is age, I’m sure you’re not 25 with grey hair and more wrinkles than my nana. So why lie?  

Another is occupation. According to most men online they are either a professional actor (not in anything I’ve seen!) or a musician, the funniest thing happened with this last week I matched with a ‘full time musician’ on Bumble. What he didn’t realise when he was telling me about his days strumming his guitar was that I already kinda knew him and he’s not a full time musician at all unless they are having jam sessions in River Island…yeah mate I work near you! Pretty sure you’re actually a full time shop boy. What’s the point in starting things off with a lie? Unless you don’t plan on actually meeting anyone what does it achieve? Being able to pretend you’re a rockstar online? Yeah I’m sure they’re pure rock and roll when they are bobbing on their supermarket uniform each morning! 

Surely as long as you have got a job it doesn’t matter what you do? We’ve all gotta hustle. I don’t write anything in my bio about where I work because I don’t like it but least I’m not lying about it. 

So all you part time actors/ musicians just be honest and say you’re a bar tender or a sales assistant, the decent girls won’t judge! 

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Gnomeo, done. 

Now this pisses me off…I get out of work and I get a message from The Gnome (he had to unblock me to whatsapp me…) saying that I had made stuff up in this blog. Why embarrass himself like that? Oh Gnomeo  Gnomeo Gnomeo…

I get he must be confused as it’s gone from a definite date to a photoshopped gnome picture (if you look like a gnome I’m gonna tell you!) to me losing interest. I felt bad that my feelings had changed but now I know that they were right all along. 

His messages were pathetic ‘oh it won’t hurt you to know i was bored anyway..’ really?! So when you messaged me asking if I still wanted to go out that was you being bored was it? So bored you got home from worked stripped off and showed me your dick? Massive sign of boredom that mate. 

And what part did I make up? He said that I have to make up stuff for views because no one will read it…erm #1 I have had 16,000 on this and #2 I’ve never made anything up! Just because our opinions aren’t the same I have messages and ill received pictures of his penis to back everything up. 

Now I get he wanted his right to reply to my post as it’s not nice reading about yourself especially if it’s not positive but to block someone, unblock someone and then reblock someone is so lame and trying to hurt me just shows his true colours. I’m sorry I changed my mind, but it’s online dating and if I’ve learnt anything it’s that shit happens! 

I’m going to put this down to small man syndrome. Trying to make me feel bad won’t give you any extra inches, poppet. Just let it go and move on. 

Young (ish), Wild (definitely) and free. 

I was having a conversation with my best friend about mutual acquaintances who have been with each other since school. It made me think a lot. I get that it’s super cute and all but aren’t they bored?! As much as I would like to find someone least I know what I want in a man or what I don’t want based on a fair few previous experiences. But these people literally know nothing else. Do they even really know who they are when they’re alone? Surely experiences are what shape you and make you? 

Maybe I’m talking bollocks because I’ve never been in love, I mean I get antsy spending an entire day with someone! I see loads of young couples where I live and work and they all look miserable. The thought of being in a mundane routine with the same face and penis every single day terrifies me. I’m well aware I’m getting on but if I met my beloved at 16 we would have been together for 16 years! Literally half of my life…that’s crazy to me! 

My own mission to fall in love this year has been derailed by the absolute wrongens I’ve decided to date but I keep thinking is falling in love something that I want or something that I think I want? 

I can connect with people quite easily but in 15 dates I’ve only carried on seeing 3 people and one of those was due to the fact he was really good at sex. I have learnt valuble lessons from all of them though. 

Seeing as I don’t want kids maybe I’ve still got a bit of time left to mess around? I do like meeting new guys There’s loads of things to do and people to see or in my case people to do and things to suck…I mean see, no. I mean suck. 

I know this post might not sound like it but I do love, love. Seeing old couples together make me melt but I know that realistically I’m never going to have that relationship that I can look back on and say ‘we were together for 65 years…he was my childhood sweetheart’ I’m ok with that. I can look back on all these different experienes knowing that some have been wonderful, some have been awful some have even been heartbreaking but at least it’s never been boring! 

Why did you have to go and make things so complicated? 

Oh god where do I start? 

Let’s talk about the guy who brought my horn back…The Horn Dog. We’ve been texting for just under a week, he’s fun and silly and really sexy. He’s my perfect type looks wise and penis size wise. He’s made me excited about doing this again and I actually can’t wait to meet him. 

But because someone somewhere hates me my life can never ever be that simple can it? 

The Dr has returned! Let me talk about the Dr, he was my second ever online date, we literally spoke for months before meeting up as that’s what I used to do back in the day, it was pretty intense. We went on a date in Camden and he was really nervous he got drunk which did put me off a bit but I still really liked him. He went a bit cold after our date and I was really really upset when he didn’t want to see me again. A week or so ago I saw him on Tinder and gave him a nostalgic right swipe. Last night he starts properly messaging me. I ask him what happened last time and basically he was intimidated by X. Totally my fault for being so open about it, I wouldn’t like a man who has a friendship with a women like mine with X so I get him being intimidated. I wish he had told me this two years ago though so I could have explained the situation. 

So now I’m in a pickle! I’ve never been one to date more than one man. It’s not me. Right now I really want to go out with The Horn Dog, I fancy him and I want to see what happens. 

Where does that leave The Dr? My whole mission this year was to not look back, move on and be happy. Going back was a massive mistake once, is there any point in doing it again? But on the other hand maybe he came back into my life for a reason? Aggghhh I’m so confused! 

Tune in next time kids for another instalment of Teezys crazy life! I have a feeling that this it’s only about to get more crazy! 

A little update. 

#1 and definitely the most important my horn has returned! I’m not saying why or how yet but it’s back and stronger than ever! 

#2 last night I get a message from Ringo… ffs! I literally had to scroll back in this blog to remember who he was! Then I realised he was someone that I really didn’t like and had blocked. He was all ‘I feel we have a connection’ I had to tell him straight that we really didn’t. 

#3 the two guys who I’ve been speaking to are both on holiday and it couldn’t be more opposite in terms of contact whilst they have been away. I’m keeping quiet on the first guy (for now!) but the second is Mr Wright II. We’ve literally not spoken at all and is it bad I haven’t missed him? We spoke on the phone before he went away and he did seem cute and a million times better than on text (maybe it was because he couldn’t use the thumbs up emoji!) but I still don’t really feel a spark. Maybe sometimes the spark isn’t instant but I don’t know if I can be bothered to wait around and find out. 

#4 I’ve made another online dating ‘friend’. If you’ve been with this blog since the beginning you would have heard me talk about HBG, the other day we actually spoke for the first time. He’s funny and silly but we’ve been chatting for years now and I don’t fancy him and he doesn’t fancy me. We literally want completely opposite things. I want to fall in love and he wants to bang. It’s good to have another friend to talk about this online dating shit with. 

#4 something else has happened but I’m also keeping this very much on the DL as I’m processing it at the minute and working out what I want from it and if I want anything from it. 

So that’s what’s new with me, it’s weird after months and months of total meh loads of things have come at once! 

15 of my favourite things. 

Day 11 of the 31 day blog challenge: 

Ok so this list is in no particular order…

  1. My nieces: Pooz and Pops mean everything to me. They make me smile every time I’m with them and fill my heart with unconditional love that I’ve never really felt before. 
  2. My Sister: We drive each other crazy but she’s still my fave 
  3. My brother in law: The only steady male influence in my life ever. He’s been like a dad to me and I’m so glad my sister found him and brought him into my life. He’s absolutely hilarious. I used to work with him for a bit and he used to crack me up. If I ever got married I would want Simon to walk me down the aisle. 
  4. Sex: duh 
  5. Orgasms: double duh
  6. Peanut butter: not to be used in sex as it looks like you’re making a dirty protest 
  7. My best Friend: My beautiful Lovieloos has been with me for 20 years now and we’re closer than ever. I love how she’s the complete opposite to me in some ways and my complete twin in others. She is literally one of my fave humans. 
  8. X: Not just because he has magic hands but because he’s the only person to ever get me 100%. He also calls me on my bullshit and even though I hate it at the time he’s always right. 
  9. Hugs: Nothing cheers me up quicker than a hug. 
  10. Shoes: Because I’m a bitch and bitches love shoes. 
  11. Handbags: You can’t have a decent pair of shoes without a decent handbag. 
  12. Tom Hardy: That face…that body…those tattoos…those wonky teeth…
  13. Live music: Gigs are my happy place 
  14. Ben Howard: His music touches me and makes me touch myself
  15. My Blog: I really like writing this and telling everyone about my fucked up crazy dating experiences it’s cathartic for me and I hope it’s funny for you.

Tune in tomorrow for what’s in my fridge SPOILER ALERT…nothing! 

My pet hates.

Day 7 of the 31 day blog challenge: 

If you’ve read this blog before you will know all about my online dating peeves from the gym selfie to the user name to the ‘I love travelling’ when you’ve only been to Ibiza for a week but actually quite a lot of stuff pisses me off! 

The main contender being people that open crisp packets upside down…I know it’s weird, but how greedy do you have to be to not check your Walkers are the correct way up? (Other crisp brands are available!) I’ve never met anyone that felt this way until I met X. Pretty sure I knew he was my soul mate after that. 

People that act stupid. It’s not cute to be stupid ladies but it’s really hot to be smart. 

People that hum or chew loudly also get my goat. Just stop. 

I work in retail. It is so hard for me not to punch customers daily my main pet hates at work are ‘do you work here?’ No I’m just putting out stuff in uniform for shits and giggles. ‘How much is this?’ Oh ffs it’s literally written all over the store! ‘So and so isn’t available…’ oh that must be my fault! Every single day I have to bite my tongue so hard that I’m surprised it hasn’t fallen off! 

An old friend once said to me they had never met someone with so many pet hates. Oh well try not to piss me off then. 

Oh wait I’ve just remembered one last one…men with long fingernails. Speaking as someone whose ex once scraped them I can tell you that it’s really really unpleasant. Save the nail extensions for the ladies, fellas! My vagina literally just clenched at the memory of it.