Day 8 of the 31 day blog challenge.
I think I’m going to go quite deep with this post and show you a picture of me from this time last year and talk about where I was at. I don’t smile in pictures due to my hamster cheeks but quite frankly I was miserable! Last year started off with a hideous sexual experience and that shaped my entire year. I was really down and my anxiety was high. I was constantly swiping on those apps trying to find someone/ anyone to block out what had happened and this lead to me making some really bad decisions. Mentally it was tough and physically it was draining.
At the end of the year it all changed for me and I finally fell in love and I’m happy. I realised that even though what happened to me last year was the worst and all those things I did to forget it has lead me to The Scientist and being in the most happy and positive relationship of my life. Shit can turn around and I’m so excited for this year!
I realise a lot of you will read this post and think we’re crazy and it’s super fast and maybe you’re right but I’ve never felt happier!
Soooooooo what’s new with me? Nothing much except I’ve asked for a transfer at work so I can move in with The Scientist. No biggie.
I’ve not got a single doubt about moving in with him other than where my hundreds of pairs of shoes will go, I must love him as I’ve been sorting through my stuff ( I’ve lived alone for 7 years so I’ve got a lot of crap!) and already thrown out a few pairs. It was like Sophie’s choice but harder.
I’m sad about leaving work as I love my dysfunctional family there, my friends are scattered about so that’s not a problem and I ll only be an hour away from my family.
I can’t wait to start our lives together.
Last week I turned 33 (fuck me i’m getting on!) The Scientist, X and I went to my favourite beach to celebrate. I get that this is an unconventional threesome considering my well documented past with X but I love The Scientist and want him to get to know the other important man in my life. Not going to lie I was nervous. They are very different so could have been a disaster luckily they got on very well and we had a lovely day. After our beach adventure it was time to meet the family. I don’t speak to my parents and the only family I have in my life are my sister, brother in law and nieces. But luckily they fell in love with him too! My sister is equally as sassy as me and my nieces are even sassier so it could have been a tough crowd. My sister said that he is one of those people who you can’t help but fall in love with. Yep. Completely agree. I was pretty much there on date 2!
I’m going up north in a few weeks to meet his parents, even though I know they’re lovely (I’ve heard them on the phone) I’m more nervous than I’ve ever been about anything ever. I probably don’t make the best first impression. I’m cocky and loud and sweary so I’m going to have to hold all of that back! Wish me luck!
So after an amazing 2 months together and spending the last week at his I finally said those words, those words that I’ve never ever even come close to saying before. I Love you. Well actually it slipped out from him whilst we were being all snuggly and I said it back. I do love him. He makes me feel so different to anyone else. I love spending time with him and I love planning our future together. We’ve now said it a million times to each other (yeah, we’re just that cute!) but I feel it stronger every time we say it.
So yeah that all that’s new with me. The lone wolf is finally in LOVE!
Recently I’ve been chatting to Mr A, no shit Sherlock from the title of this blog!
Mr A is one of those rare guys that come along when I’m talking to two or three others and alphas the fuck out of them so Mr B, C and D get phased out and I start to panic that I’ve put all my eggs in one basket! But what’s the point in texting the others when I get the biggest thrill from seeing As name on my screen?
Mr A has veered away from my type this year which has apparently been chavvy wrongens and is back to the skinny hot beardy guitar player that I know and love but he’s much more than a hot face and nice body (saying that he has both of these!) he’s a father of two for a start, if you’ve read this blog before that’s never been the most ideal situation for me but the way he talks about them and having relationships is really reassuring and puts my mind at ease. I like the fact he seems normal and has a stable job. We text all day and speak on the phone and it doesn’t end in dick pics and whatsapp wanks. We do talk about sex but that’s not the main part of the conversation.
We’ve arranged to meet at the weekend (if I don’t fuck it up…hello self destruction my old friend!) and I’m excited about it for once I actually give a shit and don’t feel empty and detached. So wish me luck!
Over the past month or so due to some major detachment and some other serious shit going down I’ve realised that there’s more to life than online dating. I barely swipe anymore, and I have no enthusiasm talking to tinderfellas.
Why is this I hear you ask? I realised I’ve already found my soulmate (on a completely non romantic friendship level of course!) actually I have two ( shout out to you mrs Jones!) But I’m going to focus on one today.
Readers of this blog know who I’m talking about so there’s no need for names, you probably also know what’s happened between us over the years and I ll never be able to explain that part because our friendship is more than that.
He gets me 100%. He knows I’m a self destructive nightmare, that I feel as though I don’t deserve him so will constantly push him away and will give him a fuck ton of shit but he accepts that, he’s not a walk over though, he frequently puts me in my place and reigns me in he’s the only man who I allow to hand me my bollocks (after a lot of arguing!).
I’ve had intense friendships with the opposite sex before (I’ve even got the tattoos to prove it!) but this is different. It feels like I have to cherish it and never take it for granted.
I have to admit our friendship does affect relationships. There’s no telling some people that were just friends. I get asked frequently why we’re not together but it’s never been about that. Our friendship is way more important. Do I compare him to other guys? In all honesty, yes. It’s hard not to! I want someone who’s always there for me like he is, who doesn’t judge me, who accepts my crazy who wants to play ridiculous games and answer silly questions and looks out for me. I also want someone who I would take a bullet for because I know (and he knows!) I would for him. He literally means the world to me and it’s taken me long enough to realise I do to him. Also his hair and fashion sense on a tinderfella would be great but now I’m just being picky!
Recently sex and dating has become so empty and boring for me. I can’t stand one dimensional sex talk anymore. It’s not fun. But you know what? it’s not important! If I’m meant to fall in love this year that will happen, it’s ok not to get a million messages a day and get thumb burn from all the swiping and you know why? I’m happy and fulfilled with the people I’ve already got in my life, my soulmates.
I was having a conversation with my best friend about mutual acquaintances who have been with each other since school. It made me think a lot. I get that it’s super cute and all but aren’t they bored?! As much as I would like to find someone least I know what I want in a man or what I don’t want based on a fair few previous experiences. But these people literally know nothing else. Do they even really know who they are when they’re alone? Surely experiences are what shape you and make you?
Maybe I’m talking bollocks because I’ve never been in love, I mean I get antsy spending an entire day with someone! I see loads of young couples where I live and work and they all look miserable. The thought of being in a mundane routine with the same face and penis every single day terrifies me. I’m well aware I’m getting on but if I met my beloved at 16 we would have been together for 16 years! Literally half of my life…that’s crazy to me!
My own mission to fall in love this year has been derailed by the absolute wrongens I’ve decided to date but I keep thinking is falling in love something that I want or something that I think I want?
I can connect with people quite easily but in 15 dates I’ve only carried on seeing 3 people and one of those was due to the fact he was really good at sex. I have learnt valuble lessons from all of them though.
Seeing as I don’t want kids maybe I’ve still got a bit of time left to mess around? I do like meeting new guys There’s loads of things to do and people to see or in my case people to do and things to suck…I mean see, no. I mean suck.
I know this post might not sound like it but I do love, love. Seeing old couples together make me melt but I know that realistically I’m never going to have that relationship that I can look back on and say ‘we were together for 65 years…he was my childhood sweetheart’ I’m ok with that. I can look back on all these different experienes knowing that some have been wonderful, some have been awful some have even been heartbreaking but at least it’s never been boring!