I’m going to write this post in two parts as it will be so long otherwise!
I’ve re written, posted and deleted different versions of this blog a thousand times but now I feel strong enough to post it as he’s blocked from whatsapp and deleted from everywhere else. Being with The Scientist has shown me how I’m supposed to be treated and what having a healthy relationship is all about but for the last four months things have been very different.
I’m going to put it out there now I’m not innocent in all of this, I’ve let my self down and bit back on numerous occasions and I’ve got a vicious tongue. I’ve let my heart rule my head and made massive mistakes.
So let’s begin. I met The Narcissist on POF, the first day we texted and spoke was amazing. I felt such a connection. He was hot, funny, silly and a bit of me. He seemed perfect. Day 2….ffs…day 2. He got drunk and I had to speak to him on the phone to get him out of the pub. He’s an alcoholic. I was very naive going into this as he told me he was sober and I believed him. Because we had such a connection on day one I knew I had to help him and I’m proud of myself for doing what I did that night.
That night made me realise we could never be a couple as I envisioned this would be my life. My first mistake was carrying on talking to him out of pity. I should have cut ties but he was instantly under my skin. Day 2 made us closer but also fucked with my head. From then on it was be nice for a few days and then argue this just went on and on. I was in a really shit place. I will admit I caused some of these arguments as my head was fucked. I guess I was always looking for the person who I thought he was on day one. But he never showed up again only glimpses. I don’t know why I carried on talking to him, or he carried on talking to me. I found out he had no intention of meeting after stringing me along for weeks. What he did next proved to me he was a horrible person when he was sober as well as drunk.
I’m going to end part one here. I want to try and be sensitive and think through what I’m going to write without acting on my emotions.
As we all know I’m super happy with The Scientist, he’s so lovely and everything is going great but there’s still that one guy, that one fucking guy that’s drags me down and makes me feel like shit. Let’s call him the Narcissist.
I can’t write this better than Dua Lipa so here it is….
1. Don’t pick up the phone you know he’s only calling because he’s drunk and alone.
Yep…every single time. I don’t know what it is about this guy but even though he makes me feel like absolute shit I still text him back, he’s always drunk so I worry about him it’s crazy that I even care about this guy but I’m beginning to think that alcohol plays no part in him being a dick. He’s just a dick.
2. Don’t let him in, you’ll have to kick him out again.
For the last 4 months we’ve been in this cycle of being nice for a few days, arguing, me not speaking to him and then him texting me and me being lured back in. It’s so weird, part of me hates him, part of me likes him, part of me wants to save him. It only takes one nice word from him and I forget how he can be and the cycle starts again. It always ends the same though, me feeling shit and him not caring or even believing he’s done something wrong. I’m not sure why out of the thousands of people I’ve spoken to, I let this guy get under my skin but it’s happened.
3. Don’t be his friend, you know you’re going to wake up in his bed in the morning.
Here’s the crazy part, I only ever fancied him for a really short time, we may have met on POF but I saw his true colours super early on and I’ve got prime steak at home so I’m hardly going to ruin that for a scabby cheese burger so there’s no chance of me ending up in his bed. I thought we could be friends though, he was dating someone and so was I so we were on the same level. In hindsight this was crazy, even though we’ve always had this mad chemistry and this magnetic pull he acts like Billy big balls but he’s always too scared to meet me. We’ve spoken for 4 months and there’s always a lame excuse why he can’t come. I think he loves hiding behind his phone because he can say anything he likes. It’s that annoying limbo which upsets me though. Least if we met and didn’t get on I could cut him out forever.I know that I have to cut him out forever but it gives me anxiety if we don’t talk, clearly I’m the ultimate glutton for punishment. He’s blocked off whatsapp so that’s a start right?
Dua would be so fucking disappointed in me.
So it's all gone disastrously wrong with Mr A. It's not my fault or even his but circumstances out of his control. I'm not going to go into that as it's not my story to tell.
So what happens next? I'm back at square one. For the 17th time. The.17th. Time. That Sunday I actually let myself believe that things were different and maybe it would work but I was stupid, I've tried to brush this off and have a don't give a shit attitude that I had before but I can't. For once I had sex and didn't feel empty, for once I didn't want him to leave straight away, for once I got the same excitement when he text me after as I had done before. For once I had a teeny bit of hope. Feeling that after months or even a year of not has completely fucked me over.
I'm trying to help him through his shit and be a friend but it's hard, the selfish part of me thinks the timing is so unfair but I know his problems are bigger than that so the other part of me is angry at myself for being selfish.
I've been trying to change and evolve whilst on this journey, meaning I don't let stuff bother me anymore (ha ha….lying here, typing this can't sleep and anxious AF) and it's literally on too the next one so what should I do? Bail and move on or persist and help him through this? I switch on this minute by minute.
Maybe I'm just caught up in the fact he made me feel different? Maybe I have met someone different and he's worth trying to get over this hurdle with? Maybe, maybe, fucking maybe.
I'm sorry this blog is a bit of a shambles. Just reflects how my head is feeling I guess.
Now this pisses me off…I get out of work and I get a message from The Gnome (he had to unblock me to whatsapp me…) saying that I had made stuff up in this blog. Why embarrass himself like that? Oh Gnomeo Gnomeo Gnomeo…
I get he must be confused as it’s gone from a definite date to a photoshopped gnome picture (if you look like a gnome I’m gonna tell you!) to me losing interest. I felt bad that my feelings had changed but now I know that they were right all along.
His messages were pathetic ‘oh it won’t hurt you to know i was bored anyway..’ really?! So when you messaged me asking if I still wanted to go out that was you being bored was it? So bored you got home from worked stripped off and showed me your dick? Massive sign of boredom that mate.
And what part did I make up? He said that I have to make up stuff for views because no one will read it…erm #1 I have had 16,000 on this and #2 I’ve never made anything up! Just because our opinions aren’t the same I have messages and ill received pictures of his penis to back everything up.
Now I get he wanted his right to reply to my post as it’s not nice reading about yourself especially if it’s not positive but to block someone, unblock someone and then reblock someone is so lame and trying to hurt me just shows his true colours. I’m sorry I changed my mind, but it’s online dating and if I’ve learnt anything it’s that shit happens!
I’m going to put this down to small man syndrome. Trying to make me feel bad won’t give you any extra inches, poppet. Just let it go and move on.