Dating, online dating, me, my life

The Narcissist. Part two.

Ok so this final part of the story is going to be even longer so you may want to get yourself a snack or four.

So what did he do?

He read about himself in a since deleted blog. Obviously that was hard for him to read but part of me wanted for him to see how he was affecting me. But no. I just got shouted at and told to delete it. As I tried to explain he seemed to calm down and then he started to talk to me nicely and I stupidly thought we had moved on. But no. He later called me to say he had only been nice to get me to apologise! What? He spent the entire evening lying to me to get me to delete a post. Every argument I ever caused paled into insignificance after that. I had never set out to hurt him ever, he launched into me that night. I was only reacting to how he made me feel. I saw then that alcohol didn’t make him a horrible person he just was one. We didn’t speak for weeks after that and any feelings that I had, pity or otherwise were gone.

So why is he a narcissist? I read an article whilst I was caught up in the middle of all this and it fit him perfectly.

Finds it difficult to maintain healthy relationships’ no shit Sherlock.

Lacks empathy’ every time I confided in him I was told to get over it and man up.

Responds to criticism with anger’ every single time.

Have fantasies regarding their own intelligence, success and good looks’ the amount of times he told me that everyone else was the problem and he was great was ridiculous.

Seems arrogant but easily hurt’ he would often lay into me for hours and I would take it. Like the time he told me I made him drink…I’m not sure who caused him to drink for the other 20 years of his life prior to me. But I once told him being drunk set a bad example to his niece and he never let me forget it.

I’ve never met anyone like him before. He’s so negative and toxic and until now I was blind to it. Every conversation we had he sound give me a compliment and then a smack in the face and then another compliment and a harder smack in the face it was so emotionally draining. He broke me mentally. I was anxious and panicky all the time.

After the two week break he messaged me and I’m embarrassed to say I went back one last time. For a long time we messaged nicely and he was even seeing someone. I was just seeing the Scientist so I naively thought we were finally on a level. But no. It kicked off again when I got pissed off when I was telling him about my own #metoo experience and he told me to man up. He then carried on throwing more punches praying on things he knew I was insecure about. During this conversation he also laughed in my face when I said he had broken my heart and my spirit oh and said that he thought I was in love with him. Narcissism 101 right there.

I will never fully understand why I carried on talking to him. The only thing I can think of was I was so down and lonely about online dating was that I was clutching at straws. Any straws.

I’ve written this post as it’s my way of moving on. Getting it all out and clearing my head. It’s done now. Also as a warning to myself and others. A pretty face can’t disguise an ugly heart. Addiction is not a cover for you to be a bad person either.

I might be able to get to the point someday when I wish him well but not now. He’s an abuser. He builds you up to knock you down and gets kicks out it. I know the signs as I lived with one for 27 years. He always said that he was trying to make me stronger. Well don’t break me in the first place.

I want to end this on a positive note. Looking back I think this was 2017s plan all along. Introduce me to the worst person I’ve ever met online to really make me value and appreciate the best person I’ve ever met online, The Scientist.

Advertisements
Me, my life

7 facts about Me.

I’ve seen this going around on blogs and twitter before so thought it would be fun to do. Seeing as I did something similar in my 31 day blog challenge I thought I would get X to write my facts for me….eek!

1. Owns 70x more pairs of shoes than plates.

T’is true! I had a genius idea of getting rid of all of my plates but one so I didn’t have to do the washing up. Kinda forgot about the part of having guests over. Also I have a lot of shoes!

2. Isn’t allowed energy drinks, ever.

They make me shimmy, get super sexual and weird. This also applies if I have any sugar/alcohol.

3. Needs a filter for her words not her pictures.

Yep. Someone needs to make that app pronto.

4. Would be the Negan of any future zombie apocalypse.

I asked him if this was a compliment and he replied ‘ I think you would build a society of underlings’ yeah pretty much.

5. Adds a gherkin to everything.

Because gherkins.

6. Likes bacon in milkshakes.

Because bacon.

7. Had never listened to Straight Outta Compton until literally sat in front of Ice Cube.

Erm…thanks for digging me out X! Yeah so that happened…X won a competition so we went to Twitter head quarters for a Q&A session with the cast members of Straight Outta Compton. I think everyone else was a mega fan but I mainly enjoyed the fact that Cube had the same trainers as me! I like shoes ok?!

I was thinking that I might ask the Scientist to do one of these for me as well. I think the facts might be slightly cuter….

Dating, online dating, me, my life

New rules.

As we all know I’m super happy with The Scientist, he’s so lovely and everything is going great but there’s still that one guy, that one fucking guy that’s drags me down and makes me feel like shit. Let’s call him the Narcissist.

I can’t write this better than Dua Lipa so here it is….

1. Don’t pick up the phone you know he’s only calling because he’s drunk and alone.

Yep…every single time. I don’t know what it is about this guy but even though he makes me feel like absolute shit I still text him back, he’s always drunk so I worry about him it’s crazy that I even care about this guy but I’m beginning to think that alcohol plays no part in him being a dick. He’s just a dick.

2. Don’t let him in, you’ll have to kick him out again.

For the last 4 months we’ve been in this cycle of being nice for a few days, arguing, me not speaking to him and then him texting me and me being lured back in. It’s so weird, part of me hates him, part of me likes him, part of me wants to save him. It only takes one nice word from him and I forget how he can be and the cycle starts again. It always ends the same though, me feeling shit and him not caring or even believing he’s done something wrong. I’m not sure why out of the thousands of people I’ve spoken to, I let this guy get under my skin but it’s happened.

3. Don’t be his friend, you know you’re going to wake up in his bed in the morning.

Here’s the crazy part, I only ever fancied him for a really short time, we may have met on POF but I saw his true colours super early on and I’ve got prime steak at home so I’m hardly going to ruin that for a scabby cheese burger so there’s no chance of me ending up in his bed. I thought we could be friends though, he was dating someone and so was I so we were on the same level. In hindsight this was crazy, even though we’ve always had this mad chemistry and this magnetic pull he acts like Billy big balls but he’s always too scared to meet me. We’ve spoken for 4 months and there’s always a lame excuse why he can’t come. I think he loves hiding behind his phone because he can say anything he likes. It’s that annoying limbo which upsets me though. Least if we met and didn’t get on I could cut him out forever.I know that I have to cut him out forever but it gives me anxiety if we don’t talk, clearly I’m the ultimate glutton for punishment. He’s blocked off whatsapp so that’s a start right?

Dua would be so fucking disappointed in me.

Dating, online dating, me, my life

Reflections 2017

It’s that time of the year again when I marvel at how quickly the year has gone and reflects on what’s happened dating wise.

I’m not going to sugar coat it but this year has been tough. I’ve been in situations out of my control and that I never thought I would be in. I’ve done things that I never thought I would have to do. I’ve had awful dates and met some even more awful people. I’ve cried, had anxiety but it’s ok, I got through it and I’m still here.

I’ve also had fun, been on some good dates, had some good sex and laughed and made connections.

I’m ending this year dating The Scientist. Who knows what’s going to happen there? At least he’s showed me that there are some genuinely nice people in this world.

Dating, online dating, me, my life

That awkward moment when…

So I was having a conversation with X about our favourite moments together and mine was when I broke his bed, I realised that I’ve had quite a few embarrassing moments along the way with online dating dudes and a fair few with with X. I’m not talking about the bit after when I’m asking them to leave I’m talking about the before and erm…during.

So let’s get on to the bed, it was the first time I went to Xs house. (I clearly make the best first impression!!) and I was quite a lot drunky. All I remember was (and I still find this HILARIOUS) maybe sitti…stumbling on to it and it sinking then rolling over and it sinking some more. We had to spend the rest of the night at such a weird angle. Didn’t stop us doing all the bits though. Before you feel sorry for X that he had to shell out for a new bed, keep reading.

Talking of first impressions I remember the first time I ever went back to James’ room and we were being all sexy and he pushes me down on the bed except he pushed quite hard (don’t worry I like that!) and I smack my head so hard on this ridge round his bed that I actually see stars! My eyes rolled in the of my head that night for all the wrong reasons!

Our second date didn’t go much better imagine half way though a blowjob his room gets raided by the Feds? Yep that happened. Left a sour taste in my mouth in more ways than one.

My most awkward moment during was with X he was pounding away happily and half way through he gets a groin injury! So he pulls out and tells me he can’t carry on…erm…I don’t care if your leg has fallen off, son. You are finishing! He didn’t. The geezer half sexed me. Not cool. Three years down the line he’s obviously made it up to me but still.

Another awkward moment was when I fell asleep during phone sex. With someone who shall remain anonymous. To be fair it was at like 4am and we had been on the phone for hours. The thing was I styled it out and woke up before he noticed. My snoring and sex moans obviously sound the same. I was happy though I got a nap and a orgasm in one phone call!

Right I’m going to stop with these now. When I’m wondering why I’m single I should just look back at these shouldn’t I? I’m the girl that will break your bed and get off to sleep when I’m meant to be getting you off!

Dating, online dating, me, my life

Submarining.

Before I start this post I best point out that it’s not about the time I went down on a sailor….

‘Submarining’ is another one of these dating terms that have popped up recently like catfishing and breadcrumbing. It means when someone disappears with out explanation and reappears with out one.

This has happened to me with one individual over the years of doing this…Mr Hot but Dull. I’ve been guilty of replying to him in the past mainly trying to get him to explain what the fuck he’s playing at. He always says he thinks of me and then texts…no mate you get pissed and start hitting up randoms in your phone book more like! I can’t even remember how long we spoke for initially? Maybe a few weeks. But he was so dull I let him go. Since then he must have messaged me probably four or five times for a few days and then disappeared. I always made it clear that nothing would happen so what was he getting out of it? We never had enough in common to be friends, and you know, I like to meet up with my friends not just sporadically text them. I always replied because I thought he was lonely and I’m a sucker for the underdog. The last time this happened though I just realised that it was bollocks and I’m not the RSPCA- it’s not up to me to be nice to waifs and strays!

Have I been guilty of submarining in the past? God no! If someone doesn’t do it for me anymore I’m not going to slide back into their DMs just because I’m bored or horny, which I guess this is the whole reason this has become a thing. Seriously peeps have you never heard of Netflix or porn?

Next time you think of doing this guys. Don’t. Theres only one time us ladies like a men going down, popping up and going down again.

Dating, online dating, me, my life

Son of a preacher man.

So I have a date on Friday with The Scientist. He’s cute and funny and is just nice. The spark isn’t 100% there for me yet but after my last blog post I’m going to give him a chance. I do like him but I have a feeling I’m probably going to be a bit much.

The funniest thing is, is that his dad is a vicar. Can you imagine this going well and me being introduced to a vicar?! I have the worst potty mouth ever! I don’t even deliberately do it, it just slips out. The scientist rarely swears as it is so I have to bite my tongue a lot. But I can see me accidentally saying the worst possible thing.

He does seem super innocent as well so I hope I can corrupt him…I mean open him up a little bit. I think this is why I like him. He’s the opposite to any one I’ve recently spoken to. He’s kind and caring….any way I ll keep you updated!