Double the Douche. 

So this week has been a case of speaking to guys and then blocking, always a good week dating wise when this happens! 

Let’s start with The Artist, I sort of sensed an immediate clash of personalities but you know me I cracked on! The major warning signs were the questions he was throwing out at me after a day of talking ‘do you fancy me?’ ‘Do you want to fuck me?’ And my personal favourite which is never good ‘how many other guys are you talking to?’ It comes across as soooo needy! Also this may sound wanky but I hate it when I have mundane generic questions thrown at me, I like silly fun conversations that go off on random tangents but here’s this guy asking if I ever had a pet? How does that really learn anything about me? The final straw was when I joked that if he drew me he would get into my pants, well this guy presented me with a doodle and actually thought this meant we would be fucking! Erm…it’s slightly harder than that mate! After he never got the answers that he wanted and I stopped replying he decided that and I quote ‘was a horrible person and he fell into my trap’ my what?! I mean I’ve had a lot of penis but there’s no chance of anyone falling into it! And then he did the classic recovery technique of saying he only messaged me because he was drunk….way to regain your dignity buddy! 

Then there was the racing car driver. A hoot to text (take note doodler!) we were flirting and then he started getting really persistent about coming to my house that night bare in mind we had spoken for about three hours. Well I sacked it off and started speaking to someone else as it started to get annoying. Half an hour later I got an aggressive message asking me why I was still online? Oh god no. I literally can’t be dealing with this shit. If he’s being needy now what would he be like if we were actually going out? So I just straight up blocked him. 

I guess the way I have to look at this now is that maybe it’s a good thing I’m meeting all these dickheads, because eventually they will run out and I will have blocked them all to make way for my prince! I’m being wildly optimistic aren’t I?! 

Soul MATES. 

Over the past month or so due to some major detachment and some other serious shit going down I’ve realised that there’s more to life than online dating. I barely swipe anymore, and I have no enthusiasm talking to tinderfellas. 

Why is this I hear you ask? I realised I’ve already found my soulmate (on a completely non romantic friendship level of course!) actually I have two ( shout out to you mrs Jones!) But I’m going to focus on one today. 

Readers of this blog know who I’m talking about so there’s no need for names, you probably also know what’s happened between us over the years and I ll never be able to explain that part because our friendship is more than that. 

He gets me 100%. He knows I’m a self destructive nightmare, that I feel as though I don’t deserve him so will constantly push him away and will give him a fuck ton of shit but he accepts that, he’s not a walk over though, he frequently puts me in my place and reigns me in he’s the only man who I allow to hand me my bollocks (after a lot of arguing!). 

I’ve had intense friendships with the opposite sex before (I’ve even got the tattoos to prove it!) but this is different. It feels like I have to cherish it and never take it for granted. 

I have to admit our friendship does affect relationships. There’s no telling some people that were just friends. I get asked frequently why we’re not together but it’s never been about that. Our friendship is way more important. Do I compare him to other guys? In all honesty, yes. It’s hard not to! I want someone who’s always there for me like he is, who doesn’t judge me, who accepts my crazy who wants to play ridiculous games and answer silly questions and looks out for me. I also want someone who I would take a bullet for because I know (and he knows!) I would for him. He literally means the world to me and it’s taken me long enough to realise I do to him. Also his hair and fashion sense on a tinderfella would be great but now I’m just being picky! 

Recently sex and dating has become so empty and boring for me. I can’t stand one dimensional sex talk anymore. It’s not fun. But you know what? it’s not important! If I’m meant to fall in love this year that will happen, it’s ok not to get a million messages a day and get thumb burn from all the swiping and you know why? I’m happy and fulfilled with the people I’ve already got in my life, my soulmates. 

Hello Mr Anonymous. 

So I received a comment on my previous post using Xs name and effectively naming and shaming him. Well I say shamed but he’s been on the end of some cracking blowjobs for the last three years and there’s nothing shameful about that. Whoever sent this comment set up a fake email address to spill this supposed tea. Here’s the kicker though…everyone knows who X is! Our friends/ family/ work colleagues always have! As none of them are douchey enough to pull this stunt I’m guessing it’s someone who I’ve chatted to/ dated, also none of them speak like a wannabe roadman…be careful your illiteracy might give you away. 

I know you’re not meant to feed the trolls but I’ve decided to choke the cowardly faceless fuck instead….

Firstly I have to approve comments so nobody sees what you’ve written, so if you have a problem you may as well text me. Oh no you’re too scared because that’s would reveal your identity wouldn’t it? 

Secondly, are you trying to scare me but subtly revealing you know details about my life? Oh you big man stalking my socials and putting 2 and 2 together. Chill your boots Columbo! 

Thirdly, clearly I’ve pissed you off by writing about you and you can’t let it go. Well I’m not going to apologise for calling you out on your ugly personality, you messaging me on here is just proving my point! 

Fourthly, thanks for all the effort! Setting up a fake email and reading my posts (hello views!) clearly little old me has impacted on your life! 

And finally and this is the most important one…SUCK MY DICK. From what I’ve seen it’s bigger than yours! 

Bio hazard. 

One of the things that surprises me about online dating is how many people lie in their bio. 

The first one is age, I’m sure you’re not 25 with grey hair and more wrinkles than my nana. So why lie?  

Another is occupation. According to most men online they are either a professional actor (not in anything I’ve seen!) or a musician, the funniest thing happened with this last week I matched with a ‘full time musician’ on Bumble. What he didn’t realise when he was telling me about his days strumming his guitar was that I already kinda knew him and he’s not a full time musician at all unless they are having jam sessions in River Island…yeah mate I work near you! Pretty sure you’re actually a full time shop boy. What’s the point in starting things off with a lie? Unless you don’t plan on actually meeting anyone what does it achieve? Being able to pretend you’re a rockstar online? Yeah I’m sure they’re pure rock and roll when they are bobbing on their supermarket uniform each morning! 

Surely as long as you have got a job it doesn’t matter what you do? We’ve all gotta hustle. I don’t write anything in my bio about where I work because I don’t like it but least I’m not lying about it. 

So all you part time actors/ musicians just be honest and say you’re a bar tender or a sales assistant, the decent girls won’t judge! 

Emojional. 

As my other blog tonight was a bit short and lame I’m going to hit you with a non challenge blog and take it back to some online dating Shiz…Imma bout to put my ranty pants on and ask men to stop using emojis as a substitute for a personality! 

Now I’ve fizzled things out with Mr Wright #2 because he bored my pants off and even though he was hot as all holy hell I realised that I didn’t fancy him and would never go out with him. The main reason for this is he just couldn’t hold a conversation, I had reached the point where I’ve stopped texting first because conversations with this guy send me to sleep. He literally answers most questions with this emoji… 👍🏻 wtf am I supposed to do with that? It’s such a conversation stopper. If that emoji was taken away this guy would be fucked. I got bored with pulling him up on it so instead started to reply with it back to quickly end the conversation. 

I also don’t like the gif thing they’ve introduced on tinder. Men seem to now think it’s ok to send one of these without any words. I’m sorry dudes but you can’t open a conversation with one of those! I find them so annoying and pointless. 

I’m not saying don’t use emojis at all but use them to enhance the conversation  (I mean we all melt at this little fella 😘!) not instead of actual words because if you continue to do this you ll just be getting this one back 🖕🏼. 

The midlands 

So I’m back home from my jolly to the midlands. 

My best friend is married and she was having fun swiping for me on tinder considering she knows my exact type. The men in the midlands are completely different to men down here they tend to be…erm…more manly than my type! I like skinny looking hobos who say they are ‘photographers’ and stuff like that but up there they all have proper manly jobs like carpentry and farming. I should probably fancy them because they look like the kinda guys who will take care of you. 

I had a few matches but I wasn’t seriously swiping as I don’t want to do long distance although I guess it would be nice to find someone up there so I could be closer to my best friend Jessica my actual true love! 

After a few days away I’ve come back feeling more refreshed about the apps. I also had a fun, kinda unexpected phone conversation with a tinderfella last night so I ll keep you posted with what happens next. 

Bye bye Bumble 

I think I’m going to delete Bumble, I was all for it a while ago but it seems it’s just full of people who are fake! Why do they all look like male models on there? It’s like Bumble is Beverly Hills and POF is the hills have eyes. I don’t believe that the people on that site are real, if they’re all male models then surely they wouldn’t need a dating site? 

I guess it’s because I’ve recently been catfished on there. I was speaking to a guy uber hot from his picture has a beard, looks like a tramp…you know just my type! He only had one picture, I know, I know warning signs right?! But he seemed fun so I carried on messaging him. We then turn things a little sexual and I joke that I’m smooth as a dolphin he replies that he is too…fair enough I don’t want to be picking pubic hair out of my teeth, I like a dude who manscapes….but then he says he’s smooth all over…ok…I can get on board with that I guess…then he tells me he has alopecia…erm what?

Yes I’m a terrible person for feeling a bit freaked out but is it wrong to want someone to look how they say they look? My photos on dating sites have filters but I still look the same just a little less smoothed out. He totally mislead me. He sent me a real life photo and yes he was still cute but alopecia has taken away not only his hair but years off him and he now looks about 12. I initially said it wasn’t a big deal and carried on talking to him. I guess I couldn’t be the person who said that it wasn’t ok when he’s clearly been through a lot. But I think I would have gone on a pity date with him and that’s never good. He’s ghosted me over the last few days anyway and I feel relieved. I am shallow and into looks. I’m sorry. I want to fancy someone and want to rip their clothes off when I see them. For me it all comes down to would I have swiped him if I saw what he looked like now? and the answer is no. He was a really nice guy and I’m sure there are a million much better people out there than me who will be able to see past it.

Anyway,  moving on…I’ve gone away for a few days and am staying  a bit further up north which means whole new set of swipes! Come on Gloucestershire, show me what you’ve got!