Day 217

So what's new with me?

The subject of kids has come up again. I think I've just got to the age now where it's to be expected. I was chatting to a guy let's call him Christopher and we were getting along nicely on tinder so I gave him my number and his profile picture was him and a kid. I asked him and he said that it was his son and he had abuse (?!) before for it so he didn't mention him….so the opinion of random Tinderellas is more important than his 'world?' his words not mine. I told him straight that he should write it on his profile and if I'm being honest after what happened with Mr A I wouldn't have swiped him. Anyway, we made it to the phone call stage and I just didn't like him. His personality wasn't for me. He also said some really offensive things that he passed off as a joke but if they were then he just wasn't funny. So I shut down that shit. A hot face will never make up for a bad personality.

I also got a random snapchat add from The Londoner to which I replied 'oh fuck no' I do not wish to see that dickhead with a dog filter thanks!

So it's clearly all love and happiness my end! Mwah!

Saturday thoughts.

One of the most annoying things ever online dating is on Tinder when you see a really hot guy as you swipe you're already imagining your life together, planning the wedding, naming the kids and what colour pug you want (or in my case what positions were going to be doing!) and yay he swipes back!….but then you start to message and he's dry AF and his spelling is all off.

The disappointment is real.

Back at it.

So I'm back to having multiple fun sexy conversations and it's been good for me, even if the deeper connection isn't there yet it's still nice not to be burdened by other people's issues.

I haven't heard from Mr A, I guess it goes to show who he is that he can't even apologise for the last really shitty week. I'm still a little wounded by the fact he wasn't who he made out he was but that's online dating for you, people lie to get what they want.

Anyway, I do have a date planned for the weekend….if we manage to pull this (not him….yet!) off then it will be a very long time coming…..3 years in fact! I ll keep you posted!

Small acts of kindness.

So I started my morning in tears at work…happy tears.

X knows what I've been through (he literally knows everything!) and today he brought me a present, a little plaque that said 'never let anyone dull your sparkle' and then said 'always be yourself because people will love you the way you are' well that literally made me break down!

I guess when it comes to dating, I've never really been myself. I'm pretty eccentric to say the least so showing that to someone is scary.

Anyway I was massively touched by Xs thoughtful present, he made me realise even more that I was right to stop things with Mr A. However much I sometimes don't believe it, I do deserve to be treated nicely.

Good Morning.

So I woke up this morning and realised I was done with Mr A.

I should have actually been done when this all started going wrong but I held on to the fact things were a little different with him and that was stupid of me. Things have been a little different with lots of different people in the past so I don't know why I was blinded this time.

He's too angry and bitter. I always think how you react in bad situations shows a lot about you as a person and he's reacted awfully in this one. As I said I'm not going to tell you what's been going on as it's not my place but just because he's been treated badly does not give him the right to treat me badly back. I tried with him, I let him off thinking that it was the situation and underneath he was a nice guy but after the 75th rude and abrupt message I'm done. I can't help him, I was stupid thinking I could. He's at that stage where he's wallowing and making everything worse and fucking himself over in the process. I would be crazy to start off anything with someone like that. I need laid back and fun not someone who's ready to explode.

Looking back I should have seen this coming. Since day one he has told me about this problem and I shouldn't have ignored the way he spoke about it and honestly he shouldn't be on dating sites when he's got all this going on as he's projecting and spreading shit that people just don't need. I get everyone has their issues….read this blog I'm teeming with them but I would never let anyone who I was dating see them.

So it's back to the apps…. I feel ok about it, I've been at the beach the last couple of days so it feels like it's a fresh start.

Not A ok.

So it's all gone disastrously wrong with Mr A. It's not my fault or even his but circumstances out of his control. I'm not going to go into that as it's not my story to tell.

So what happens next? I'm back at square one. For the 17th time. The.17th. Time. That Sunday I actually let myself believe that things were different and maybe it would work but I was stupid, I've tried to brush this off and have a don't give a shit attitude that I had before but I can't. For once I had sex and didn't feel empty, for once I didn't want him to leave straight away, for once I got the same excitement when he text me after as I had done before. For once I had a teeny bit of hope. Feeling that after months or even a year of not has completely fucked me over.

I'm trying to help him through his shit and be a friend but it's hard, the selfish part of me thinks the timing is so unfair but I know his problems are bigger than that so the other part of me is angry at myself for being selfish.

I've been trying to change and evolve whilst on this journey, meaning I don't let stuff bother me anymore (ha ha….lying here, typing this can't sleep and anxious AF) and it's literally on too the next one so what should I do? Bail and move on or persist and help him through this? I switch on this minute by minute.

Maybe I'm just caught up in the fact he made me feel different? Maybe I have met someone different and he's worth trying to get over this hurdle with? Maybe, maybe, fucking maybe.

I'm sorry this blog is a bit of a shambles. Just reflects how my head is feeling I guess.

Mr A. 

Recently I’ve been chatting to Mr A, no shit Sherlock from the title of this blog! 

Mr A is one of those rare guys that come along when I’m talking to two or three others and alphas the fuck out of them so Mr B, C and D get phased out and I start to panic that I’ve put all my eggs in one basket! But what’s the point in texting the others when I get the biggest thrill from seeing As name on my screen? 

Mr A has veered away from my type this year which has apparently been chavvy wrongens and is back to the skinny hot beardy guitar player that I know and love but he’s much more than a hot face and nice body (saying that he has both of these!) he’s a father of two for a start, if you’ve read this blog before that’s never been the most ideal situation for me but the way he talks about them and having relationships is really reassuring and puts my mind at ease. I like the fact he seems normal and has a stable job. We text all day and speak on the phone and it doesn’t end in dick pics and whatsapp wanks. We do talk about sex but that’s not the main part of the conversation. 

We’ve arranged to meet at the weekend (if I don’t fuck it up…hello self destruction my old friend!) and I’m excited about it for once I actually give a shit and don’t feel empty and detached. So wish me luck!