Nanageddon

So tonight I was chatting to an absolute hottie on Bumble, we were just getting to the sexting part when he sends me a selfie, I notice that it has a lot of…let's call it old lady tat… in the background and me being me, asks him and I quote 'what's up with the chintzy shit? Do you live with yo' nana?' He sends me back the GIF of Jonah Hill shaking his head looking disappointed. Now this is a clear indication for anyone to stop talking but no this is me remember?! So I continue with 'I hope she's deaf, because I'm loud' ( little lesson in flirting there ladies, you can even make being deaf sexy!) and I get the reply 'no she's dead' and then he unmatched me!

Now I'm wondering if I just swerved a massive Norman Bates shaped bullet because if she's dead then why is he still living in her house? Or was he just super offended by the term 'chintzy shit?' After I said that apparently not only had his nana died but his boner had as well.

Oh well much like his nanas ashes…another one bites the dust. It's shit like this which makes me think I shouldn't be allowed to talk to other human beings.

Not A ok.

So it's all gone disastrously wrong with Mr A. It's not my fault or even his but circumstances out of his control. I'm not going to go into that as it's not my story to tell.

So what happens next? I'm back at square one. For the 17th time. The.17th. Time. That Sunday I actually let myself believe that things were different and maybe it would work but I was stupid, I've tried to brush this off and have a don't give a shit attitude that I had before but I can't. For once I had sex and didn't feel empty, for once I didn't want him to leave straight away, for once I got the same excitement when he text me after as I had done before. For once I had a teeny bit of hope. Feeling that after months or even a year of not has completely fucked me over.

I'm trying to help him through his shit and be a friend but it's hard, the selfish part of me thinks the timing is so unfair but I know his problems are bigger than that so the other part of me is angry at myself for being selfish.

I've been trying to change and evolve whilst on this journey, meaning I don't let stuff bother me anymore (ha ha….lying here, typing this can't sleep and anxious AF) and it's literally on too the next one so what should I do? Bail and move on or persist and help him through this? I switch on this minute by minute.

Maybe I'm just caught up in the fact he made me feel different? Maybe I have met someone different and he's worth trying to get over this hurdle with? Maybe, maybe, fucking maybe.

I'm sorry this blog is a bit of a shambles. Just reflects how my head is feeling I guess.

Date #17

So Mr A exceeded all expectations in real life! He was everything that I wanted and lots more. 

Date 1 was great and we didn’t even have a proper date, He came back to my house and what can I say? The sex was amazing (all 6 times!) but between all that he’s so fun to chill with. He made me feel relaxed and comfortable. 

I’m not going to say to much now and be all mushy but watch this space I suppose….I’m excited too see what happens! 

You ll do Mr A….you ll most certainly do. 

Mr A. 

Recently I’ve been chatting to Mr A, no shit Sherlock from the title of this blog! 

Mr A is one of those rare guys that come along when I’m talking to two or three others and alphas the fuck out of them so Mr B, C and D get phased out and I start to panic that I’ve put all my eggs in one basket! But what’s the point in texting the others when I get the biggest thrill from seeing As name on my screen? 

Mr A has veered away from my type this year which has apparently been chavvy wrongens and is back to the skinny hot beardy guitar player that I know and love but he’s much more than a hot face and nice body (saying that he has both of these!) he’s a father of two for a start, if you’ve read this blog before that’s never been the most ideal situation for me but the way he talks about them and having relationships is really reassuring and puts my mind at ease. I like the fact he seems normal and has a stable job. We text all day and speak on the phone and it doesn’t end in dick pics and whatsapp wanks. We do talk about sex but that’s not the main part of the conversation. 

We’ve arranged to meet at the weekend (if I don’t fuck it up…hello self destruction my old friend!) and I’m excited about it for once I actually give a shit and don’t feel empty and detached. So wish me luck! 

Lady Mcpottymouth. 

So last night I got unmatched from a dude from Bumble for saying the word ‘masturbation’ yep that actually happened. 

We were having back and forth bantz, he works in agriculture so I was making all my best welly jokes then he asked how I chilled out so I said ‘Netflix and masturbation’ and then bam…he disappeared forever! What an absolute prude, like that’s not exactly how he chills out as well. 

The thing is I have to put up with disgusting messages on a daily basis. Just the other day someone opened with how they would like to stick 4 fingers (I’m not a fucking kit Kat) up my ass and I just laugh, screenshot them for the group chat and move on. 

I can’t believe this guy was so mortally offended by the word masturbation! It’s the proper term! I could have said wank but oh no I’m filthy but technical. 

Oh well he obviously wasn’t for me. I have the worst potty mouth so if masturbation led to me being unmatched can you imagine if I slipped in the word cunt? He would have called his mum to come pick him up. 

You can still be a lady and swear. I can wear my twin set and say fuck a lot. They’re just words. 

Any way it’s welly boots loss. His missed out on my epic boobs and blow jobs. Ironic that he’s probably going to have to masturbate instead.

Bye bye Bumble 

I think I’m going to delete Bumble, I was all for it a while ago but it seems it’s just full of people who are fake! Why do they all look like male models on there? It’s like Bumble is Beverly Hills and POF is the hills have eyes. I don’t believe that the people on that site are real, if they’re all male models then surely they wouldn’t need a dating site? 

I guess it’s because I’ve recently been catfished on there. I was speaking to a guy uber hot from his picture has a beard, looks like a tramp…you know just my type! He only had one picture, I know, I know warning signs right?! But he seemed fun so I carried on messaging him. We then turn things a little sexual and I joke that I’m smooth as a dolphin he replies that he is too…fair enough I don’t want to be picking pubic hair out of my teeth, I like a dude who manscapes….but then he says he’s smooth all over…ok…I can get on board with that I guess…then he tells me he has alopecia…erm what?

Yes I’m a terrible person for feeling a bit freaked out but is it wrong to want someone to look how they say they look? My photos on dating sites have filters but I still look the same just a little less smoothed out. He totally mislead me. He sent me a real life photo and yes he was still cute but alopecia has taken away not only his hair but years off him and he now looks about 12. I initially said it wasn’t a big deal and carried on talking to him. I guess I couldn’t be the person who said that it wasn’t ok when he’s clearly been through a lot. But I think I would have gone on a pity date with him and that’s never good. He’s ghosted me over the last few days anyway and I feel relieved. I am shallow and into looks. I’m sorry. I want to fancy someone and want to rip their clothes off when I see them. For me it all comes down to would I have swiped him if I saw what he looked like now? and the answer is no. He was a really nice guy and I’m sure there are a million much better people out there than me who will be able to see past it.

Anyway,  moving on…I’ve gone away for a few days and am staying  a bit further up north which means whole new set of swipes! Come on Gloucestershire, show me what you’ve got! 

Detachment. 

So my rumble with Mr Bumble was a one off. TBH I think I was horny and needed some sex. He was a nice guy but he just wasn’t enough for me. Ok for a night but not long term. The fumble was fun but he was one of those guys that are better at foreplay and you know me I kinda need the whole shebang! I come for the support act and the main show I don’t want to switch off for the encore. 

I also think when you’ve done the whole ‘this was a one off’ messaging thing it’s kinda awkward when they view you on pof and snapchat. You know what I look like Bumble! You spent an evening inside of me! Just swipe left and move on with your life.

Talking about moving on I’ve decided that it’s so much better to only message for a few days and then meet. It means you don’t get attached. I had a 4 day turnaround with Bumble so didn’t feel anything for him and now it’s over it’s completely cool. 

I do feel as though I’m becoming more emotionally detached from dates and from myself as I continue to do this. Is that a good thing? It protects me from getting hurt but maybe I’m making shitty decisions because I’m having sex without any feelings? 

Back in the old days it would take me ages to get over things when they didn’t work out but since Mr Wright (when I did feel a bit broken but mainly relief) I’ve closed my feelings off more and more. 

All in all this has turned me into a cold hearted bitch! Good luck date #10!