Double the Douche. 

So this week has been a case of speaking to guys and then blocking, always a good week dating wise when this happens! 

Let’s start with The Artist, I sort of sensed an immediate clash of personalities but you know me I cracked on! The major warning signs were the questions he was throwing out at me after a day of talking ‘do you fancy me?’ ‘Do you want to fuck me?’ And my personal favourite which is never good ‘how many other guys are you talking to?’ It comes across as soooo needy! Also this may sound wanky but I hate it when I have mundane generic questions thrown at me, I like silly fun conversations that go off on random tangents but here’s this guy asking if I ever had a pet? How does that really learn anything about me? The final straw was when I joked that if he drew me he would get into my pants, well this guy presented me with a doodle and actually thought this meant we would be fucking! Erm…it’s slightly harder than that mate! After he never got the answers that he wanted and I stopped replying he decided that and I quote ‘was a horrible person and he fell into my trap’ my what?! I mean I’ve had a lot of penis but there’s no chance of anyone falling into it! And then he did the classic recovery technique of saying he only messaged me because he was drunk….way to regain your dignity buddy! 

Then there was the racing car driver. A hoot to text (take note doodler!) we were flirting and then he started getting really persistent about coming to my house that night bare in mind we had spoken for about three hours. Well I sacked it off and started speaking to someone else as it started to get annoying. Half an hour later I got an aggressive message asking me why I was still online? Oh god no. I literally can’t be dealing with this shit. If he’s being needy now what would he be like if we were actually going out? So I just straight up blocked him. 

I guess the way I have to look at this now is that maybe it’s a good thing I’m meeting all these dickheads, because eventually they will run out and I will have blocked them all to make way for my prince! I’m being wildly optimistic aren’t I?! 

Soul MATES. 

Over the past month or so due to some major detachment and some other serious shit going down I’ve realised that there’s more to life than online dating. I barely swipe anymore, and I have no enthusiasm talking to tinderfellas. 

Why is this I hear you ask? I realised I’ve already found my soulmate (on a completely non romantic friendship level of course!) actually I have two ( shout out to you mrs Jones!) But I’m going to focus on one today. 

Readers of this blog know who I’m talking about so there’s no need for names, you probably also know what’s happened between us over the years and I ll never be able to explain that part because our friendship is more than that. 

He gets me 100%. He knows I’m a self destructive nightmare, that I feel as though I don’t deserve him so will constantly push him away and will give him a fuck ton of shit but he accepts that, he’s not a walk over though, he frequently puts me in my place and reigns me in he’s the only man who I allow to hand me my bollocks (after a lot of arguing!). 

I’ve had intense friendships with the opposite sex before (I’ve even got the tattoos to prove it!) but this is different. It feels like I have to cherish it and never take it for granted. 

I have to admit our friendship does affect relationships. There’s no telling some people that were just friends. I get asked frequently why we’re not together but it’s never been about that. Our friendship is way more important. Do I compare him to other guys? In all honesty, yes. It’s hard not to! I want someone who’s always there for me like he is, who doesn’t judge me, who accepts my crazy who wants to play ridiculous games and answer silly questions and looks out for me. I also want someone who I would take a bullet for because I know (and he knows!) I would for him. He literally means the world to me and it’s taken me long enough to realise I do to him. Also his hair and fashion sense on a tinderfella would be great but now I’m just being picky! 

Recently sex and dating has become so empty and boring for me. I can’t stand one dimensional sex talk anymore. It’s not fun. But you know what? it’s not important! If I’m meant to fall in love this year that will happen, it’s ok not to get a million messages a day and get thumb burn from all the swiping and you know why? I’m happy and fulfilled with the people I’ve already got in my life, my soulmates. 

Meh, just meh. 

This is my longest meh streak in my online dating history and I’m getting kinda annoyed! Forgotten what it feels like to be excited and have butterflies when my phone buzzes I’m talking to a few people but none of them are making me feel any kind of way. 

Cute South African guy: I was meant to be going on a date with him Tuesday night but I cancelled as I wasn’t really feeling it. He seems nice but I don’t think there’s enough of a connection there that makes me want to see him in person yet. 

Christian Grey: I’ve spoken to this one on the phone and he seems fun but on text he kinda scares me! He keeps saying how dark he is and when he drops things like anal hooks and period sex into conversation it kinda puts me off. He’s told me he was in a BDSM relationship which is fine but I was less excited by that than I should have been, maybe it was because I was still thinking about anal hooks..like wtf?!

Irish guy: I matched him on tinder because he kinda looks like the dude from Bastille and that dude makes me wet! Saw them live last week and I didn’t know whether or not to cum or cry… did a little of both…anyhoo.. I digress..he’s cute and up for some no strings fun which is cool but last night he messaged me saying I was online a lot on whatsapp. The fact that you have to go in and open the conversation to see that and do it multiple times just creeps me out that he checked. Have zero time for weird bullshit.

Gamer guy: only started messaging last night so can’t really judge yet. However on his okc profile it says he kisses with his eyes open… that’s weird right?! Can you imagine being fully into someone and kissing them passionately to open your eyes for a second and see them staring back at you? That would freak me out! 

So that’s the potentials this week. I’m off to go watch paint dry. 

100 Swipes.

I’m going through a total meh stage with online dating at the moment, if you’ve read this blog you will know this happens quite a lot! I’m texting two guys, cute South African and Mr medical research but not really getting feels from any of them. I mean they’re ok but I’m not getting butterflies when my phone beeps. 

Maybe I’ve rinsed all the penis on these sites? I do keep seeing the same old faces! 

I’ve decided that I’m going to swipe a 100 times on each of the sites I’m on and see how many times I actually like someone. I didn’t think I was that picky anymore so the results will probably be quite high… here goes: 

OK Cupid: 9

POF: malfunctioned 

Badoo: 1

Tinder: 7

Bumble: 7 

Erm…..was kinda hoping for higher! I’ve officially rinsed all the penis then! Out of 400 possible swipes (pof signed me out of my account and then wouldn’t let me back in) I’ve officially liked 24 people!

Oh well the odds on me getting some really decent presents…I mean a man for xmas are incredibly low then! The chances of me even getting sex are pretty low at the moment so I can’t even be a one night stand ho ho ho! 

I didn’t even get any wow feelings from any of the dudes I swiped right for so I’m thinking they’re all going to be pointless. Well we shall see what happens…

B to the O to the R to the E to the D (or not as I’m so bored I’m not getting close to the D!)

I haven’t updated this blog in ages and that’s because I’m bored! Bored of online dating, bored of online men, bored of having zero connections, bored of mundane messages…..just bored. 

Now I’m not going to say I’m going to have a break from it because come on who am I kidding? But something has to give! Literally get over 20 messages a day that just send me to sleep! Even the hot ones are getting boring or if I can be assed I ll give then my number then it either goes two ways, sexting (you guys know I’m fond of that but I’m  getting to the point where I’m sick of acting like a porn star to strangers, you know what? If you want a porn star watch porn, I didn’t give you my number for a hotline wank!) or its just mundane bullshit, do I care what you had for lunch or what you’re doing with your evening? Nope! 

Maybe it’s just me? apparently I can be and I quote…’harder than a fucking rubix cube to work out over text’ well I’m sorry I like to keep you on your toes! But at the moment text is all I have and if I can’t find a connection on there I’m not willing to go on a date. 

I’m not asking for much here, just someone who gives me the tingles when I get a notification 

So come on guys liven up and stop being (what) saps! Make me want to (snap) chat to you and not kik you!