So I started my morning in tears at work…happy tears.
X knows what I've been through (he literally knows everything!) and today he brought me a present, a little plaque that said 'never let anyone dull your sparkle' and then said 'always be yourself because people will love you the way you are' well that literally made me break down!
I guess when it comes to dating, I've never really been myself. I'm pretty eccentric to say the least so showing that to someone is scary.
Anyway I was massively touched by Xs thoughtful present, he made me realise even more that I was right to stop things with Mr A. However much I sometimes don't believe it, I do deserve to be treated nicely.
Over the past month or so due to some major detachment and some other serious shit going down I’ve realised that there’s more to life than online dating. I barely swipe anymore, and I have no enthusiasm talking to tinderfellas.
Why is this I hear you ask? I realised I’ve already found my soulmate (on a completely non romantic friendship level of course!) actually I have two ( shout out to you mrs Jones!) But I’m going to focus on one today.
Readers of this blog know who I’m talking about so there’s no need for names, you probably also know what’s happened between us over the years and I ll never be able to explain that part because our friendship is more than that.
He gets me 100%. He knows I’m a self destructive nightmare, that I feel as though I don’t deserve him so will constantly push him away and will give him a fuck ton of shit but he accepts that, he’s not a walk over though, he frequently puts me in my place and reigns me in he’s the only man who I allow to hand me my bollocks (after a lot of arguing!).
I’ve had intense friendships with the opposite sex before (I’ve even got the tattoos to prove it!) but this is different. It feels like I have to cherish it and never take it for granted.
I have to admit our friendship does affect relationships. There’s no telling some people that were just friends. I get asked frequently why we’re not together but it’s never been about that. Our friendship is way more important. Do I compare him to other guys? In all honesty, yes. It’s hard not to! I want someone who’s always there for me like he is, who doesn’t judge me, who accepts my crazy who wants to play ridiculous games and answer silly questions and looks out for me. I also want someone who I would take a bullet for because I know (and he knows!) I would for him. He literally means the world to me and it’s taken me long enough to realise I do to him. Also his hair and fashion sense on a tinderfella would be great but now I’m just being picky!
Recently sex and dating has become so empty and boring for me. I can’t stand one dimensional sex talk anymore. It’s not fun. But you know what? it’s not important! If I’m meant to fall in love this year that will happen, it’s ok not to get a million messages a day and get thumb burn from all the swiping and you know why? I’m happy and fulfilled with the people I’ve already got in my life, my soulmates.
So last night my dating world and my friends collided and it actually worked out really well!
It was day 3 of my birthday celebrations so myself (obvs!) X and a few other friends went to the bar that Wheels lives above. I guess it was a weird set up looking back as theres been sex involved with two birthday party attendees!
Wheels fitted straight into my friendship group, almost like he had always been there, everyone loved him. It was really lovely to see. I’m so happy that I can now call him my friend and everything else has been gotten out of our systems!
X and I had a little fumble again before the party started. I’ve just accepted now that it happens when we are unsupervised so unless we make sure we never hang out by ourselves our underwear is probably going to come off.
Anyway I’m going to post this and get back to sleeping. I had a lot to drink last night and now I’m an old lady I can’t handle that shit!
So I’ve gone three whole days without X and my mischief level has been zero…see I can do this! I feel like Erin Brockovich!
I’ve been hit on by an old school friend, I’m still chatting to Wheels and exchanged a few messages with a few randoms. But my knickers have stayed on!
I do miss my beloved though. We hooked up before he went and I had forgotten that he has magic hands. We haven’t hooked up since June and I was still doing whatever the fuck that was (a mistake!) with Mr Wright. Orgasms aside I just miss my best friend. its been weird not seeing him everyday and not having hugs…see I’m more than just sex.
I do want to go for a drink with Wheels but some of his attributes remind me of Mr Wright and I will never put up with that shit again. I want to give him a chance though as he seems like such a decent guy. I’m hoping that even though he seems to have the same issues, he handles them differently.
Any way I’ve got 11 days left of making my own decisions….adulting sucks!