I read this statement recently that said ‘I love men but I love my sanity more’ and that really resonated with me.
My craziness comes when I actually like someone, my head fucks itself over and issues with self worth and self doubt creep in. Other than the last month this year has been fine as I’ve not let myself get attached, so I guess the solution is carry on doing the casual thing forever? 😦 I guess that works right now as I’m not talking to anyone and the ones I have spoken to I don’t feel enough connection with to take things further.
I’m fully aware it’s also just three and a teeny bit months before xmas and I’m still single so can we all ignore those blogs where I said this was going to be my year and I would fall in love….cringe!
Whenever I stop focusing on one person and go back to the sausage party I always find it hard to get back into. Matches aren’t a problem but decent conversation is. Take the Rocket Scientist for example, Houston we have a problem! I thought I would be in for some nerdy scientist chat which I was totally up for but he keeps making lame ass rocket metaphors about his peen. Once was funny 247 times the joke wears thin, or the hottie on Tinder who opened with ‘Hun’ I kindly forgave him for that monstrosity but his chat is so dry he’s making my vagine feel like the Sahara. There was also the geezer who asked me if we were going back to mine or a hotel on the first date…erm neither, son. We weren’t even sexting he asked me how my day was and than said that. I know instant connections happen rarely but I have to hold out for more than rocket puns and seedy hotel rooms.
So I've gotten past my men with tattoos phase, beards and guitars don't give me tingles anymore, now I'm all about nerds and men in glasses! I think the glasses come from Xs dad who is such a DILF it's not even funny.
I've popped up a picture of me with a Pikachu filter on all my dating apps hoping to lure in the nerdy hotties. I've already had a few messages about it, so it's working! I'm a Pokémon Ho. One was a professional footballer who, and I quote, likes 'piss and shit play' I'm sorry but no one poos on the 'Chu so he was a no.
My genius plan will fall apart if anyone actually asks me anything about Pokémon, my knowledge of it ends with me looking cute in yellow ears. Other than that I don't have a Pikaclue!
Privates are called privates for a reason, fellas!
Why has it become a thing (well an online dating thing!) that men think it's ok to tell you that they're wanking? I'm not talking about phone sex here because we all know I'm partial to that, but I mean after a few nice messages they then drop it into conversation. I don't need to know you're furiously knocking one out when I'm eating my breakfast thanks!
It's not sexy or going to get me in the mood (because I'm always in the mood…but anyway) it's just gross. There's a reason it's called alone time. And no I'm not helping you out either fellas….I just wanna eat my cocopops in peace!
So tonight I was chatting to an absolute hottie on Bumble, we were just getting to the sexting part when he sends me a selfie, I notice that it has a lot of…let's call it old lady tat… in the background and me being me, asks him and I quote 'what's up with the chintzy shit? Do you live with yo' nana?' He sends me back the GIF of Jonah Hill shaking his head looking disappointed. Now this is a clear indication for anyone to stop talking but no this is me remember?! So I continue with 'I hope she's deaf, because I'm loud' ( little lesson in flirting there ladies, you can even make being deaf sexy!) and I get the reply 'no she's dead' and then he unmatched me!
Now I'm wondering if I just swerved a massive Norman Bates shaped bullet because if she's dead then why is he still living in her house? Or was he just super offended by the term 'chintzy shit?' After I said that apparently not only had his nana died but his boner had as well.
Oh well much like his nanas ashes…another one bites the dust. It's shit like this which makes me think I shouldn't be allowed to talk to other human beings.
So what's new with me?
The subject of kids has come up again. I think I've just got to the age now where it's to be expected. I was chatting to a guy let's call him Christopher and we were getting along nicely on tinder so I gave him my number and his profile picture was him and a kid. I asked him and he said that it was his son and he had abuse (?!) before for it so he didn't mention him….so the opinion of random Tinderellas is more important than his 'world?' his words not mine. I told him straight that he should write it on his profile and if I'm being honest after what happened with Mr A I wouldn't have swiped him. Anyway, we made it to the phone call stage and I just didn't like him. His personality wasn't for me. He also said some really offensive things that he passed off as a joke but if they were then he just wasn't funny. So I shut down that shit. A hot face will never make up for a bad personality.
I also got a random snapchat add from The Londoner to which I replied 'oh fuck no' I do not wish to see that dickhead with a dog filter thanks!
So it's clearly all love and happiness my end! Mwah!