Double the Douche. 

So this week has been a case of speaking to guys and then blocking, always a good week dating wise when this happens! 

Let’s start with The Artist, I sort of sensed an immediate clash of personalities but you know me I cracked on! The major warning signs were the questions he was throwing out at me after a day of talking ‘do you fancy me?’ ‘Do you want to fuck me?’ And my personal favourite which is never good ‘how many other guys are you talking to?’ It comes across as soooo needy! Also this may sound wanky but I hate it when I have mundane generic questions thrown at me, I like silly fun conversations that go off on random tangents but here’s this guy asking if I ever had a pet? How does that really learn anything about me? The final straw was when I joked that if he drew me he would get into my pants, well this guy presented me with a doodle and actually thought this meant we would be fucking! Erm…it’s slightly harder than that mate! After he never got the answers that he wanted and I stopped replying he decided that and I quote ‘was a horrible person and he fell into my trap’ my what?! I mean I’ve had a lot of penis but there’s no chance of anyone falling into it! And then he did the classic recovery technique of saying he only messaged me because he was drunk….way to regain your dignity buddy! 

Then there was the racing car driver. A hoot to text (take note doodler!) we were flirting and then he started getting really persistent about coming to my house that night bare in mind we had spoken for about three hours. Well I sacked it off and started speaking to someone else as it started to get annoying. Half an hour later I got an aggressive message asking me why I was still online? Oh god no. I literally can’t be dealing with this shit. If he’s being needy now what would he be like if we were actually going out? So I just straight up blocked him. 

I guess the way I have to look at this now is that maybe it’s a good thing I’m meeting all these dickheads, because eventually they will run out and I will have blocked them all to make way for my prince! I’m being wildly optimistic aren’t I?! 

Gnomeo, done. 

Now this pisses me off…I get out of work and I get a message from The Gnome (he had to unblock me to whatsapp me…) saying that I had made stuff up in this blog. Why embarrass himself like that? Oh Gnomeo  Gnomeo Gnomeo…

I get he must be confused as it’s gone from a definite date to a photoshopped gnome picture (if you look like a gnome I’m gonna tell you!) to me losing interest. I felt bad that my feelings had changed but now I know that they were right all along. 

His messages were pathetic ‘oh it won’t hurt you to know i was bored anyway..’ really?! So when you messaged me asking if I still wanted to go out that was you being bored was it? So bored you got home from worked stripped off and showed me your dick? Massive sign of boredom that mate. 

And what part did I make up? He said that I have to make up stuff for views because no one will read it…erm #1 I have had 16,000 on this and #2 I’ve never made anything up! Just because our opinions aren’t the same I have messages and ill received pictures of his penis to back everything up. 

Now I get he wanted his right to reply to my post as it’s not nice reading about yourself especially if it’s not positive but to block someone, unblock someone and then reblock someone is so lame and trying to hurt me just shows his true colours. I’m sorry I changed my mind, but it’s online dating and if I’ve learnt anything it’s that shit happens! 

I’m going to put this down to small man syndrome. Trying to make me feel bad won’t give you any extra inches, poppet. Just let it go and move on. 

EmbarrassMANt.

So I’m starting to find some men just  straight up embarrassing! There’s been two separate instances this week that have been laughable. 

Firstly I got a message on snapchat saying that this person had seen me on POF, I asked him to send me a picture, he wasn’t my type so I left it. He kept sending me messages which I ignored until I got one that said I must be a member of the EDL! Number 1, I had to double check what the EDL was as I first thought he meant EDF due to my sparky personality and Number 2, I didn’t reply to him because he was chubby and wearing a shiny suit, nothing down to the fact he was Indian! Just because I didn’t like you poppet doesn’t mean I’m leading the counter Jihad fight it just means you’re not my type! 

Secondly there was Mr Peck, yes I’m using his real name as he’s not interesting enough to have a nickname. He slid into my Twitter DMs, he seemed quite cool until he kept saying really sexual stuff that was just a bit creepy even though I wasn’t giving anything back he kept going but the final straw was when I corrected him on his use of the word ‘of’ and not ‘have’ just a simple joke that I would use on any one that was illiterate enough to think it’s ‘should of’ but Peck kicked off massively said I was a snooty cow and that this was why men only wanted to fuck me because I couldn’t be civil!…oh dear! Well clearly he’s a massive crazy so I blocked him. SHOULD HAVE done it sooner to be honest after he was text pestering me. 

Come on dudes you’re embarrassing yourselves! Please learn to take a hint and if it doesn’t go your way just let it go! The only league I’m joining at the moment is the one of unextraordinary gentlemen! 

The Evolution of Tan

Firstly I’m writing this post whilst I’m watching Magic Mike for the first time ever! I feel like I’m a let down to the female species that I haven’t seen this earlier. Have had sex to that pony song that’s in it though…that is the sexiest song ever! Anyhoo I going to get started before clothes start coming off. 

This post is all about taste and how mine has evolved over the years of doing this. I mean I will always swipe for the skinny bearded band member that’s standard but once upon a time I would always go for these fellas…

The Bald Guy: Usually with a beard,  looking back I’ve never been on a date with one but they always used to be my go to swipe, I’m not sure why. I like good hair. I always thought oral would be freaky…looking down and seeing one of the Mitchell brothers between my legs. 

The Ginger Guy: I ve spoken about these before, they are always so moody and and hung up on the colour of their hair, I’ve also never met one that can make me cum. 

The tattooed guy: I used to love guys with tattoos, I’m sure it even says something about this in my POF  bio ( I really need to change that!) but I think I’ve seen way too many bad ones! There’s nothing more distracting than a guy on top of me with ‘knowledge is power’ scrawled across his chest in script that my 4 year old niece could do better…maybe you should have had a bit of knowledge about the tattooist mate! 

Nowadays I don’t really have a type I just go on instinct….HOLY MOTHER OF FUCKBALLS….before watching this movie I would have never have swiped for a muscly guy but I’ve just seen Channing gyrate and I got a major tingle…I’m going to go and cool down.