Darth Vaper. 

Where o’ where do I begin? 

For the last year or so a dude has come into my shop and we’ve had a little flirt up. He works in the vape shop in the same shopping centre as me and always wears black hence the incredibly clever name of this blog. He’s totally not my type but I’ve always had a weird crush on him. Fast forward to this week I see him on tinder and we match and he starts messaging me. This is kinda perfect right? I mean he already knows where I work which I never give out and what I look like (he said he had noticed my ass when he walked past….well duh I always used to pop it for him!) so the first night of messaging goes well and he’s actually kinda sweet. 

Day 2: In the back of my mind this guy isn’t right for me, I’ve had a social media stalk and he has lip bite pictures and shots of his abs on Facebook…lots of them! He also calls me Hun, writes lol and listens to dubstep, all the things that I don’t like in a guy. Oh he also has an 8 month old daughter. But because I’m me I get carried away and flirt with him and he sends me a dick pic. All of a sudden I’m literally hit in the face with how this guy isn’t right for me, what the fuck am I playing at? Seeing him in his pajamas in his flat with a matte red wall (who the fuck has that?!) and his hands down his pants is a massive wake up call. But now I’m in a pickle. He no longer works in the same town as me, thank fuck for that! But on Friday he’s covering his old shop. Obviously I’m never going to go out with this guy but I can hardly avoid him! He has to walk past my shop to get to his and my shop is fully glass fronted. Talk about shitting on your own doorstep! Part of me sees how funny this is, part of me is fully crapping myself that he’s going to walk into my shop. I’ve stopped texting him as he got pissy when I didn’t compliment his dick so fingers crossed he just does the sensible thing and doesn’t come in the shop. The thing is he’s cocky AF so he probably will. 

This isn’t the only guy I’ve stopped talking to recently. Enter Mr Upper Middle Class, not really my type looks wise, he was fun to text at the start, sent me a misjudged and totally unwanted dick pic but I let that go, but then he turned really beggy and persistent. After at least 10 times asking me out and me palming him off he still didn’t get the message. The final straw came when he took it upon himself to comment on my diet. I was poorly and he said he put it down to that! Really?! So what if I eat Haribos for lunch? If I wanted a nutritionist I would hit up Gillian Mckeith and get her to rootle through my shit not some beg off Tinder. So I had to block him. 

I also saw Mr Wright and James on POF recently! Ffs that website has 3 million users and it still thinks these doucheballs are a match for me! 

I’m taking this all in my stride as I’ve been talking to someone who I actually like a little bit. I mean I know I ll probably ruin it because hellooooo it’s me but I’m enjoying it until the inevitable happens! 

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