DickAdvisor

‘Worlds most trusted dick advice’ 

I’m on quite a few dating websites in order to write this blog and get lai…have a beautiful long term relationship so here are my reviews of them out of 5 (the aubergine emoji is the international sign for penis right?)

POF: ๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ†

Should be renamed plenty of freaks! Had some of my weirdest messages off there! It was the first site I ever joined and let’s just say it was a baptism of fire. Never connected with anyone enough to have an actual date (there’s something a’ brewing but I’m keeping quiet for now!) if you’re new to dating before you join this site you should probably check out the POF fails Twitter page, tip of the iceberg of some of the messages you are likely to recieve! 

Tinder: ๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ†

Good old man snap! (That’s the name for my own rip off dating app by the way, don’t steal it!) had the most dates and shall we say meaningful experiences from it. Has the best looking guys but also the most shallow but it’s mostly for hooking up so its to be expected although I’ve done the opposite and had actual relationships from there. It’s totally addictive as well so be prepared for thumb ache! 

OK Cupid: ๐Ÿ† can’t cut an emoji in half so we ll go with a .5

Personally I do not agree that algorithms or percentages come into play when finding a match especially with ridiculous questions like ‘do you shave your armpits?’ Are asked. Am I going to meet my beloved based on whether I’m a hairy Mary or not? I don’t think so. I’m sure someone at okc HQ is just ripping the piss it’s all down to the chemistry and biology (if you’re lucky!) on the actual date not whether or not I’m going to town with my lady shave. I’ve also had some of my worst dates ever off this site (see previous blogs)

Badoo: ๐Ÿ†.5

Equally as good or as bad as okc. I think there are lots of dummy accounts as the most recent names that’s have liked me are Alceon (phone company?) Bi couple (not a couple just a single man and from what I can gather is a rapper) and FBI (I mean come on I know I’m hot but I don’t think the entire federal bureau of investigations are into me!) Yesterday I recieved an opening message that just said ‘Anal’ no question mark so obviously this is hello in a language I don’t speak…right? 

Happn: ๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ† 

Being a world renowned spelling nazi wanker this site obviously bothers me also it’s a stalkers wet dream! The crossed paths feature is good for meeting locals but comes across as pretty stalky to me, I want someone all up in my bush not someone hiding in them! For example I’ve crossed paths with a fella on there 49 times I’m pretty sure he’s hiding amongst my shoes in my flat. I’m not over keen on the whole ‘you fancy each other’ thing when you get a match, chill ya boots happn! Tapping like on someone’s profile because you think they are hot and like their profile does not equate to me fancying them, also makes accidental likes more awkward. 

So that’s all the sites I’m on covered. Id say avoid Badont and Okstupid and stick to Tinder, you can’t go wrong with 4 penises…erm…aubergines!

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