I was going to hold off writing this blog because it isn’t going to be a nice one but it’s part of my dating time line and I need to get it out of my head so I can forget about it and move on, have a seat this ones going to be long.
I touched a little bit on him in my previous post but now let’s go full details. Mr Derby was everything that I’ve been waiting for, he’s hot, funny, silly, kind, he made me feel good about myself and yes I fell for him, kinda hard not to when he was saying how amazing I was all the time. We had an instant connection from the first time we sent voicenotes, do I believe that any of this was real? Nope.
Let’s talk about the other side to Derby, the drunk side. He told me he was an alcoholic on day one, he also told me he had been sober for four months and I believed it and didn’t think anything of it until the second day we spoke but I ll touch on that more later. Drunk Derby is the worst, he’s mean, bitter and angry. Do I believe that this is actually his real personality? Looking back, yes. It’s like all the nice stuff was a front that he could only keep up for a few days until the real side kept seeping through and yes I should have got out sooner but when he was nice he was amazing and I so wanted him to be the person who I thought he was.
Day 2 of texting he told me he was in the pub, I don’t know why but I felt an overwhelming sense to help this person so I called him and kept him on the phone til he got home and was in bed, looking back it’s crazy as I had only spoken to him for 24 hours but as I said I felt an instant connection and as far as I could see no one else was about to help him, in a weird fucked up way this brought us closer together. This is where all the declarations of love and soppy stuff started. Was it nice to hear? Yes. Did I go along with it? Yes. It’s what I’ve been wanting to hear for ages of course I did. At the time I believed what I was saying back as well. He told me he wouldn’t drink again and this was a blip and I believed him.
The next couple of days pass and it’s all sweet and the stuff we’re saying is like we’re a couple (yes I know this is ridiculous! Trust me I’m cringing out typing this!) I’m not innocent in this. I have to admit my insecurities got the better of me once and I started an argument because I couldn’t believe someone this amazing liked me. This argument was never forgotten and was brought up and used against me at every opportunity. That night for instance he got drunk again and completely laid into me.
After that any romantic feelings I had for him had gone, it was like Freckles, an instant switch off. That’s what happens when you spend hours on the phone getting annihilated. But I still felt the need to help him (what’s wrong with me?!) so we moved on as friends. I re downloaded the apps and was back to doing what I usually do.
After this he quit his job and started drinking everyday, we were nice one minute and fighting the next. Again, I’ll take some of the blame, I have a vicious tongue and he knew how to press my buttons and I favour the tough love approach. Because I had switched off my feelings I let him vent and it didn’t hurt me as much, during this period he sent me a text telling me how he really was, I won’t share it because it’s super personal but it changed my opinion of him completely and I guess I felt sad and pity towards him.
Should I have kept texting him back when he was drunk? No. Should I have bitten back through all the goading when all he did was want a reaction? No. I always did though and I regret it but when I’m attacked I attack back and it’s brutal. I was always just reacting to him though, I never wanted to argue. I liked him.
The stuff he told me in that text message made me feel like I couldn’t give up on him, he said it was being honest but in hindsight it isn’t fair to lay all that on a virtual stranger. It’s quite manipulative.
I will never understand addiction and I know I probably handled it all wrong but it’s never been something that I’ve even thought about let alone come face to face with, I just tried to be there for him, some nights staying up all night and going to work on zero sleep. On the nights I didn’t reply because I didn’t have the energy for arguments he would text and ring anyway so I felt trapped. When he was being nice I would have all the time in the world for him but I couldn’t hack him drunk anymore.
It all came to a head last night whilst I was out in London, we were messaging, I could tell he was drunk and it turned nasty. He said how he looked on my twitter and I was clearly in love with myself (erm…RED FLAG ALERT!) which is upsetting as I had confided in him about the level of self hatred I feel. He obviously wanted to ruin my night as he kept mentioning I was out. It got out of control and turned super nasty, once again I will take the blame as I said some unforgivable things (as did he) but I think he just pushed me over the edge. In the end I had to just block him even though I promised to never do that but there was literally no other choice.
So how do I feel this morning? It’s weird not texting him when we have been in constant contact and I’m sad he’s not the person who I thought he was but I also feel a giant sense of relief and like a weight has been lifted off my chest.
Do I think drinking turns him into a bad person? No. I think it highlights all of his worst points and a way for him to behave like he wants and can use alcohol as a get out clause. I don’t know who that guy was in those first days and that’s the upsetting part.
So what’s next? Being in London was perfect for new swipes and I got lots of new matches. I just have to pick myself off and make myself a large drink!….too soon? (If I don’t laugh I ll cry!)