So I started my morning in tears at work…happy tears.
X knows what I've been through (he literally knows everything!) and today he brought me a present, a little plaque that said 'never let anyone dull your sparkle' and then said 'always be yourself because people will love you the way you are' well that literally made me break down!
I guess when it comes to dating, I've never really been myself. I'm pretty eccentric to say the least so showing that to someone is scary.
Anyway I was massively touched by Xs thoughtful present, he made me realise even more that I was right to stop things with Mr A. However much I sometimes don't believe it, I do deserve to be treated nicely.
So I woke up this morning and realised I was done with Mr A.
I should have actually been done when this all started going wrong but I held on to the fact things were a little different with him and that was stupid of me. Things have been a little different with lots of different people in the past so I don't know why I was blinded this time.
He's too angry and bitter. I always think how you react in bad situations shows a lot about you as a person and he's reacted awfully in this one. As I said I'm not going to tell you what's been going on as it's not my place but just because he's been treated badly does not give him the right to treat me badly back. I tried with him, I let him off thinking that it was the situation and underneath he was a nice guy but after the 75th rude and abrupt message I'm done. I can't help him, I was stupid thinking I could. He's at that stage where he's wallowing and making everything worse and fucking himself over in the process. I would be crazy to start off anything with someone like that. I need laid back and fun not someone who's ready to explode.
Looking back I should have seen this coming. Since day one he has told me about this problem and I shouldn't have ignored the way he spoke about it and honestly he shouldn't be on dating sites when he's got all this going on as he's projecting and spreading shit that people just don't need. I get everyone has their issues….read this blog I'm teeming with them but I would never let anyone who I was dating see them.
So it's back to the apps…. I feel ok about it, I've been at the beach the last couple of days so it feels like it's a fresh start.
So it's all gone disastrously wrong with Mr A. It's not my fault or even his but circumstances out of his control. I'm not going to go into that as it's not my story to tell.
So what happens next? I'm back at square one. For the 17th time. The.17th. Time. That Sunday I actually let myself believe that things were different and maybe it would work but I was stupid, I've tried to brush this off and have a don't give a shit attitude that I had before but I can't. For once I had sex and didn't feel empty, for once I didn't want him to leave straight away, for once I got the same excitement when he text me after as I had done before. For once I had a teeny bit of hope. Feeling that after months or even a year of not has completely fucked me over.
I'm trying to help him through his shit and be a friend but it's hard, the selfish part of me thinks the timing is so unfair but I know his problems are bigger than that so the other part of me is angry at myself for being selfish.
I've been trying to change and evolve whilst on this journey, meaning I don't let stuff bother me anymore (ha ha….lying here, typing this can't sleep and anxious AF) and it's literally on too the next one so what should I do? Bail and move on or persist and help him through this? I switch on this minute by minute.
Maybe I'm just caught up in the fact he made me feel different? Maybe I have met someone different and he's worth trying to get over this hurdle with? Maybe, maybe, fucking maybe.
I'm sorry this blog is a bit of a shambles. Just reflects how my head is feeling I guess.
So Mr A exceeded all expectations in real life! He was everything that I wanted and lots more.
Date 1 was great and we didn’t even have a proper date, He came back to my house and what can I say? The sex was amazing (all 6 times!) but between all that he’s so fun to chill with. He made me feel relaxed and comfortable.
I’m not going to say to much now and be all mushy but watch this space I suppose….I’m excited too see what happens!
You ll do Mr A….you ll most certainly do.
Recently I’ve been chatting to Mr A, no shit Sherlock from the title of this blog!
Mr A is one of those rare guys that come along when I’m talking to two or three others and alphas the fuck out of them so Mr B, C and D get phased out and I start to panic that I’ve put all my eggs in one basket! But what’s the point in texting the others when I get the biggest thrill from seeing As name on my screen?
Mr A has veered away from my type this year which has apparently been chavvy wrongens and is back to the skinny hot beardy guitar player that I know and love but he’s much more than a hot face and nice body (saying that he has both of these!) he’s a father of two for a start, if you’ve read this blog before that’s never been the most ideal situation for me but the way he talks about them and having relationships is really reassuring and puts my mind at ease. I like the fact he seems normal and has a stable job. We text all day and speak on the phone and it doesn’t end in dick pics and whatsapp wanks. We do talk about sex but that’s not the main part of the conversation.
We’ve arranged to meet at the weekend (if I don’t fuck it up…hello self destruction my old friend!) and I’m excited about it for once I actually give a shit and don’t feel empty and detached. So wish me luck!
So I’ve woken up this morning sober and can finally tell you the details of date #16. DISCLAIMER…this post features a drunk Tanya and she sure ain’t pretty!
Let’s start with my date: The Londoner, I went into this knowing he wasn’t my type but if you’ve read my previous post he won me over. I also think I needed to try something different for myself as my usual type has hardly worked out for me!
Moving on to the date…it started out awkwardly. The bar I wanted to go to was shut so we had to schlep to another one and ended up in the pub I went to with The Horn Dog cue some very embarrassing flashbacks of what happened with him in the bathroom….anyway….once we started drinking it was fine the conversation was flowing, well it was from his mouth! I couldn’t get a word in edgewise! This was a first for me as I’m a chatty bastard but the only way I could get this guy to stop talking was to interrupt him, he didn’t ask me a single question. He just kept waffling on and on at one stage telling me how the lady at the bar was chatting him up (yeah, yeah!) and another about the different types of Jack Daniels ( I DONT CARE!!) so I just kept drinking. This was a massive mistake! I’ve never been drunk on a date before and it only takes half a pint for this to happen but I must have had at least 4.
I did have an ok time with this guy, even though he went on and on (and on and on) he was funny and charming and we were having fun and I was enjoying ripping the piss out of him for going on and on (and on and on…) anyway it was getting towards the end of the night and this is where it all goes epically pear shaped. We were talking about him getting the train back so I jokingly said he had to leave. Next minute he upped and left. Then came a very embarrassing phone call with him saying that I seriously looked him dead in the eye and told him to go and me taking offence to him up and leaving when we had been bantering all night.
In my opinion I don’t understand why he took me saying that seriously? We were getting on fine so I wouldn’t have asked him to leave. We were literally winding each other up the whole night so why on earth did he take offence to that particular joke? I don’t think he behaved very gentlemanly at all. I would never have left someone alone, drunk in a notoriously bad town at midnight to make their own way home. When I went out with the Dr and he got wasted I made sure I went to his train station first and saw him home. I do apologise for telling him to leave in a way that he didn’t take correctly but he also was well aware that I was drunk, why he took this joke so badly I will never know.
Oh well, I can’t dwell on last night. It’s happened and I have to move forward. Drinking on dates clearly is a massive no for me so unless I want to end up alone, pissed and on the night bus home I shall stick to water in the future, lesson learned!
….with ‘the Londoner’
Lesson learned: NEVER EVER get drunk on a date!