Whenever I stop focusing on one person and go back to the sausage party I always find it hard to get back into. Matches aren’t a problem but decent conversation is. Take the Rocket Scientist for example, Houston we have a problem! I thought I would be in for some nerdy scientist chat which I was totally up for but he keeps making lame ass rocket metaphors about his peen. Once was funny 247 times the joke wears thin, or the hottie on Tinder who opened with ‘Hun’ I kindly forgave him for that monstrosity but his chat is so dry he’s making my vagine feel like the Sahara. There was also the geezer who asked me if we were going back to mine or a hotel on the first date…erm neither, son. We weren’t even sexting he asked me how my day was and than said that. I know instant connections happen rarely but I have to hold out for more than rocket puns and seedy hotel rooms.

In other news…(don’t judge me!) I reached out to Derby and apologised for the last time we spoke. I needed to get it off my chest as it was niggling at me. I thought now he was working he probably wouldn’t be drinking and he would have calmed down and listened and hopefully accepted my apology, but nope. I got some super abrasive messages back. He clearly isn’t sorry for any of the things he said or how he made me feel so that’s fine, my conscience is clear, if he wants to hold on to that and still be angry then that just proves everything my previous posts say about him. I read this quote on Twitter that reminded me of the situation ‘when you treat people the same way they treat you they get offended’ that couldn’t be more true. He was fine ripping into me but when he got it back he couldn’t handle it. Anyway I have to forget about all that now I’ve got rocket peens to deal with!


Mr Derby.

I was going to hold off writing this blog because it isn’t going to be a nice one but it’s part of my dating time line and I need to get it out of my head so I can forget about it and move on, have a seat this ones going to be long.

I touched a little bit on him in my previous post but now let’s go full details. Mr Derby was everything that I’ve been waiting for, he’s hot, funny, silly, kind, he made me feel good about myself and yes I fell for him, kinda hard not to when he was saying how amazing I was all the time. We had an instant connection from the first time we sent voicenotes, do I believe that any of this was real? Nope.

Let’s talk about the other side to Derby, the drunk side. He told me he was an alcoholic on day one, he also told me he had been sober for four months and I believed it and didn’t think anything of it until the second day we spoke but I ll touch on that more later. Drunk Derby is the worst, he’s mean, bitter and angry. Do I believe that this is actually his real personality? Looking back, yes. It’s like all the nice stuff was a front that he could only keep up for a few days until the real side kept seeping through and yes I should have got out sooner but when he was nice he was amazing and I so wanted him to be the person who I thought he was.

Day 2 of texting he told me he was in the pub, I don’t know why but I felt an overwhelming sense to help this person so I called him and kept him on the phone til he got home and was in bed, looking back it’s crazy as I had only spoken to him for 24 hours but as I said I felt an instant connection and as far as I could see no one else was about to help him, in a weird fucked up way this brought us closer together. This is where all the declarations of love and soppy stuff started. Was it nice to hear? Yes. Did I go along with it? Yes. It’s what I’ve been wanting to hear for ages of course I did. At the time I believed what I was saying back as well. He told me he wouldn’t drink again and this was a blip and I believed him.

The next couple of days pass and it’s all sweet and the stuff we’re saying is like we’re a couple (yes I know this is ridiculous! Trust me I’m cringing out typing this!) I’m not innocent in this. I have to admit my insecurities got the better of me once and I started an argument because I couldn’t believe someone this amazing liked me. This argument was never forgotten and was brought up and used against me at every opportunity. That night for instance he got drunk again and completely laid into me.

After that any romantic feelings I had for him had gone, it was like Freckles, an instant switch off. That’s what happens when you spend hours on the phone getting annihilated. But I still felt the need to help him (what’s wrong with me?!) so we moved on as friends. I re downloaded the apps and was back to doing what I usually do.

After this he quit his job and started drinking everyday, we were nice one minute and fighting the next. Again, I’ll take some of the blame, I have a vicious tongue and he knew how to press my buttons and I favour the tough love approach. Because I had switched off my feelings I let him vent and it didn’t hurt me as much, during this period he sent me a text telling me how he really was, I won’t share it because it’s super personal but it changed my opinion of him completely and I guess I felt sad and pity towards him.

Should I have kept texting him back when he was drunk? No. Should I have bitten back through all the goading when all he did was want a reaction? No. I always did though and I regret it but when I’m attacked I attack back and it’s brutal. I was always just reacting to him though, I never wanted to argue. I liked him.

The stuff he told me in that text message made me feel like I couldn’t give up on him, he said it was being honest but in hindsight it isn’t fair to lay all that on a virtual stranger. It’s quite manipulative.

I will never understand addiction and I know I probably handled it all wrong but it’s never been something that I’ve even thought about let alone come face to face with, I just tried to be there for him, some nights staying up all night and going to work on zero sleep. On the nights I didn’t reply because I didn’t have the energy for arguments he would text and ring anyway so I felt trapped. When he was being nice I would have all the time in the world for him but I couldn’t hack him drunk anymore.

It all came to a head last night whilst I was out in London, we were messaging, I could tell he was drunk and it turned nasty. He said how he looked on my twitter and I was clearly in love with myself (erm…RED FLAG ALERT!) which is upsetting as I had confided in him about the level of self hatred I feel. He obviously wanted to ruin my night as he kept mentioning I was out. It got out of control and turned super nasty, once again I will take the blame as I said some unforgivable things (as did he) but I think he just pushed me over the edge. In the end I had to just block him even though I promised to never do that but there was literally no other choice.

So how do I feel this morning? It’s weird not texting him when we have been in constant contact and I’m sad he’s not the person who I thought he was but I also feel a giant sense of relief and like a weight has been lifted off my chest.

Do I think drinking turns him into a bad person? No. I think it highlights all of his worst points and a way for him to behave like he wants and can use alcohol as a get out clause. I don’t know who that guy was in those first days and that’s the upsetting part.

So what’s next? Being in London was perfect for new swipes and I got lots of new matches. I just have to pick myself off and make myself a large drink!….too soon? (If I don’t laugh I ll cry!)


I feel like over the past month I have totally neglected this blog and I’m sorry peeps!

If I’m being honest I’ve been involved in this crazy rollarcoaster (I will write a proper blog about this one day) and last night it all came to a head and I finally got off and ran as fast as I could out of the fairground!

When it all started Mr Derby was so charming and it’s ended with me seeing him for who he really is which is someone with an ugly heart and even uglier personality. I came to my senses after he tried unsuccessfully to ruin another one of my evenings and I realised that I can’t be there for someone just because I pity them.

Anyway it’s all done now and he’s been blocked. I’ve woken up this morning thinking I would feel sad but actually feeling great that I don’t have to be burden with someone else’s problems when they will never sort them themselves. I wasted three weeks trying to help this guy but in the grand scheme of things it was only three weeks.

So I’m baaaaaacccckkkk bitches! Back swiping and back feeling like myself. Wish me luck!

*Insert nerdy emoji here*

So I've gotten past my men with tattoos phase, beards and guitars don't give me tingles anymore, now I'm all about nerds and men in glasses! I think the glasses come from Xs dad who is such a DILF it's not even funny.

I've popped up a picture of me with a Pikachu filter on all my dating apps hoping to lure in the nerdy hotties. I've already had a few messages about it, so it's working! I'm a Pokémon Ho. One was a professional footballer who, and I quote, likes 'piss and shit play' I'm sorry but no one poos on the 'Chu so he was a no.

My genius plan will fall apart if anyone actually asks me anything about Pokémon, my knowledge of it ends with me looking cute in yellow ears. Other than that I don't have a Pikaclue!

Sunday thoughts.

Privates are called privates for a reason, fellas!

Why has it become a thing (well an online dating thing!) that men think it's ok to tell you that they're wanking? I'm not talking about phone sex here because we all know I'm partial to that, but I mean after a few nice messages they then drop it into conversation. I don't need to know you're furiously knocking one out when I'm eating my breakfast thanks!

It's not sexy or going to get me in the mood (because I'm always in the mood…but anyway) it's just gross. There's a reason it's called alone time. And no I'm not helping you out either fellas….I just wanna eat my cocopops in peace!


So tonight I was chatting to an absolute hottie on Bumble, we were just getting to the sexting part when he sends me a selfie, I notice that it has a lot of…let's call it old lady tat… in the background and me being me, asks him and I quote 'what's up with the chintzy shit? Do you live with yo' nana?' He sends me back the GIF of Jonah Hill shaking his head looking disappointed. Now this is a clear indication for anyone to stop talking but no this is me remember?! So I continue with 'I hope she's deaf, because I'm loud' ( little lesson in flirting there ladies, you can even make being deaf sexy!) and I get the reply 'no she's dead' and then he unmatched me!

Now I'm wondering if I just swerved a massive Norman Bates shaped bullet because if she's dead then why is he still living in her house? Or was he just super offended by the term 'chintzy shit?' After I said that apparently not only had his nana died but his boner had as well.

Oh well much like his nanas ashes…another one bites the dust. It's shit like this which makes me think I shouldn't be allowed to talk to other human beings.

Day 217

So what's new with me?

The subject of kids has come up again. I think I've just got to the age now where it's to be expected. I was chatting to a guy let's call him Christopher and we were getting along nicely on tinder so I gave him my number and his profile picture was him and a kid. I asked him and he said that it was his son and he had abuse (?!) before for it so he didn't mention him….so the opinion of random Tinderellas is more important than his 'world?' his words not mine. I told him straight that he should write it on his profile and if I'm being honest after what happened with Mr A I wouldn't have swiped him. Anyway, we made it to the phone call stage and I just didn't like him. His personality wasn't for me. He also said some really offensive things that he passed off as a joke but if they were then he just wasn't funny. So I shut down that shit. A hot face will never make up for a bad personality.

I also got a random snapchat add from The Londoner to which I replied 'oh fuck no' I do not wish to see that dickhead with a dog filter thanks!

So it's clearly all love and happiness my end! Mwah!